Life's Changes

Julia Cameron in THE ARTIST'S WAY says that (note to self, add Amazon.com partnership to my site) when we feel like we're standing still and not getting anywhere, that's when most of the changes are happening at light speed in our lives. We just lack the perspective to see it, and often abort the process before it's complete. Sometimes just having the faith to keep on persevering is what turns apparent frustration into advancement and relief.

I'd have to agree, only because I've seen several choke points in my life where the funhouse feeling of being lost was just a way to keep me in one place until the new life I had ordered from the universe took shape. Also as a way for me to have some breathing space. Now is no different.

New Course Laid In

Two and a half years ago, I was working for TracyLocke as essentially what boils down to an Interactive Project Manager. The actual job title was Enterprise Solutions Producer, but it's a misnomer, really. I don't have the skills to actually generate the interactive -structure- of things (no ActionScripting skills here), but I'm very good at developing projects from the ground up and executing them/managing their building.

During that time, I scouted some Masters programs in the local area and found one that seemed a perfect match. Masters of Interactive Communications at Quinnipiac University in Hamden, CT. It's a professional program which can be done all at once in a single calendar year (Fall, Spring, Summer) and which has classes that are designed to prepare me for becoming a Content Manager or Webmaster. They also all happen to be scheduled on nights and weekends, meaning that to me this is a perfect program for professionals who are looking to make a change or round out their interactive knowledge while still working.

At the time, things worked out a bit differently than planned due to career changes that later turned out to be not so wonderful, but I had not refused the acceptance into the program. Instead I had deferred my attendance for the period of one year. It's one year later now, and I'm happy to say that I'm going to be attending full time.

I mean, come on. One year for your Masters, and you don't have to give up your day job? The posted salary levels for a Content Manager are in the $80K range. Now, personally, I think I should have already been there for my work in graphic design and production, but the rest of the world puts the value of production artists and graphic designers at slightly lower. Recently news leaked out that Directors of Print Production in one major CT advertising company get $160K range, but I have to assume that's because of the Director title, not the job description of a Print Producer.

Born Again Optimist

As hokey as it all seems, one major shift came from watching The Secret recently. I have been noticing my negativity trend for a while, and I decided it's time to change. I've got a gratitude rock (a small plain stone you keep in your pocket... every time you touch it, think of something you're grateful for) and I've been working with the attitude shift this week. It's starting to take hold. The negative thoughts and preoccupations still come, but I'm noticing those trends earlier and I'm taking conscious steps to shift my perspective into the positive by immediately countering negative thoughts with optimistic ones.

I walked around the house just letting myself feel high by immersing myself in the giddy feelings that accompany gratitude. If you want to be a rich man, count your blessings. Isn't that how the saying goes?

What an amazing shift is happening with that. I know that for most folks, especially the "too smart for their own good" crowd like me, The Secret can seem hokey. The reason for it is that we actually get an emotional payoff from being negative all the time. We act negatively, and we expect negative things, and then lo and behold, we get negative results. And we say, "AHA! See? I was RIGHT!"

And you know what? That being 'right' gives an emotional payout. When you're very smart, or very visionary, or just coming from a very different angle, we get used to having to explain ourselves, encountering doubt, or fighting mental inertia in the minds of those around us.

Serendipity

So I've begun working on changing it. Oddly enough, before watching The Secret, I found an old PDF I had made of an online text, written in 1910 and posted much later of course, called 'The Science of Getting Rich'. Before you click the link, the site offers free giveaways of the text. I haven't investigated them fully, so Clicker Beware, but I know the text is worth the download.

Anyhow, I came across the text while cleaning, picked it up and thought about reading it again, and then set it down for 'later much'. I saw The Secret and got inspired and started trying the techniques, and now a week later, a friend was cleaning and found a copy of The Science of Getting Rich that I had made for her, and she returned it to me. So last night, I started reading.

Lo and behold, it's the same principle as The Secret. The Law of Attraction. Positive thoughts yield positive outcomes. Believe in yourself, and you can do it. William Blake's old chestnut - When Man commits himself, Providence moves also, to paraphrase.

The odd thing is that in my occult studies, I've come to realize that usually, the truth of any matter is really quite simple. So the apparent over-simplicity of these concepts... wow. Epiphany time. No, really... just try it. Give it 90 days.

Why 90 days? Because Time just ran an article about the science of addiction. It takes 90 days to introduce a new habit and have it stand a chance of taking hold. So, I'm one week into my 90 days. It started very rocky, but I'm not giving up. And change is coming, and it's already showing itself to be for the better. So why not choose to be happy? Choose to be rich? Choose to believe in my own unique gifts, instead of lamenting that I didn't grow up to be an underwear model, or an A-list Hollywood star, or whatever.

The New Direction Unfolds

So with going back to school for my Masters now a firm commitment, I recognized a potential opportunity back with TracyLocke. I checked in with my old friend Sam, and he gave me the idea that I should put together a new blog, something that was more than just an online diary like this seems to be, and something which could be used as an example of the kind of work that I can do. Using that, I may be able to hook myself up with some freelance gigs for companies so that while I'm going to school I can be doing the kind of work that I'll eventually end up prepped for with the degree.

Law School remains an option, one I've been toying with for years. All my life, actually. But honestly, right now, I see a different direction. Maybe it's not time to shut the door on the opportunity to be recogized for my talents and to make a living from my pasttime.

New Blog Idea

I'm not abandoning this blog. Not by any stretch of the imagination. Not that I have much (or any) readership, but it's important for me to have a place that serves as the catch-all. Creation Required does just that. It's a useful tool for me, and one I plan on continuing.

But I like D&D. I like designing modules and adventures, and running my own game, and playing in the games of others. I love plots and stories, and I really like the adult aspect of being an older gamer. In days gone by, I would have been a storyteller, amusing the community I was living with by being like a human TV set. But I'm from a different era, and a different age. I tell my stories interactively. I always have. And D&D (and other game systems) have been the vehicle for me sharing my vision with others.

One of the things that makes me unique in the D&D community, or at least makes me stand out as an individual Gamemaster (GM) is that I love plot and story. My story arcs are to die for, and it keeps packing the gaming table full of folks. I recently lost two of my 'pillar' players, the ones who helped to motivate the rest of the crew, and as a result the old campaign arc came to a bit of a premature halt. Those two gamers moved away to Bentonville, Arkansas to work near WalMart for their company, and several gamers who had real life issues cropping up came to a point in their lives where they just couldn't continue with the game.

And yet, despite all of this, I found myself with 8, possibly 9 more players who lined up to get into the game. Not that I had a waiting list, but I certainly have the start of a reputation.

Time to stretch my wings a bit. I have an idea to turn my gaming world into a Boxed Set for sale to the D&D crowd. Who doesn't dream of that? But I beleive my skill set to be at the point where it's not only possible, it's highly plausible. Especially since I'm using my game -structure- experience to modify things slightly, and I'm reworking the typical patterns to hopefully produce a DVD/CD-ROM interactive "boxed set". The costs are much lower to produce copies, and let GM's decide what they need to print out, or use it on their laptops while they game.

The Master's Program requires a final Thesis or Project, so I'm going to make the Tol Vehara Project mine. For those who want to see some of the copious amounts of source materials I have already developed for that game, I direct you to my game Wiki at tolvehara.wetpaint.com. It needs to be revised and updated, certainly, but it's going to be a fun project. And if I get credit for my Masters from it, and if I can develop a product that can be sold or can get me on the map as one of the 'names to know' in D&D writing... well, then, it sounds like fun, and the rewards are definitely something which have real value to me.

So that's the plan. In thinking about it, and tying that plan in with Sam's idea of starting a new blog, I think I'm going to start developing a blog which is meant for D&D Gamemasters, to help them start thinking in terms of plot development and story arc, to make the shift from being a D&D rules lawyer to being a storyteller, and raising their DMing quotient a bit by focusing more on manipulating plots and pacing to deliver entertainment to the crowd of gamers.

Good to have a plan. Time to enlist the aid of allies and start getting this off the ground. While the D&D topic doesn't seem like a good topic for a professional sample, I counter that it actually is. There's enough of an online community for D&D that blogging for it in any way can provide the useful service of collecting, condensing, examining and rehashing various things going on. There's sites to link to, streaming content available on YouTube, etc., and plenty of audience for it. The editorial writing style and essays will be topic-centric. Right now I just need -a- blog for it. If it turns out that it's not received well enough as a sample of being able to carry out the typical tasks, that's fine by me. I can always make another blog later. But one at a time.

Ahhh, life -is- good, and things -are- getting better. All the time.

Not out of it yet

Well, apparently the general malaise of being unemployed and depressed and at a crossroads in life hasn't resolved itself yet. Or maybe there's still something I'm supposed to be doing that I'm not.

Or maybe, as Jack asked in the film by the same name, "What if this is as good as it gets?"

Scary thought. But liveable. Life doesn't exactly suck, but it's not exactly fun. If I had to define it, I'd say this was Heck. Hell would be more painful.

Time off

Well, with next week being the holiday, my freelance assignments are all cleared out. So I've got a week to celebrate my independence. Outside of a trip up to see the family with CT-legal fireworks, I'm basically going to be working on some online goals - fleshing out my gaming world, poking my head back into the novel and the non-fiction book to see if the muse has returned there yet, maybe some sketching and walks in the nearby park.

And Warcraft. Definitely warcraft.

See, I've been a caual gamer for Warcraft for a while now. Over a year, off and on here and there. It passed the time in the winter, and it was cooler than Everquest for Mac was. Dark Iron server, Horde, Troll mage named Runika. And I'm happy to announce that she's level 70 and making a good entrance into the endgame.

Well, okay, she's 70 several months after the rest of the server levelled up. She -had- been at the endgame max level of 60, but we arrived there just as news was coming down about the expansion to 70. And at the time, the server had already been 'old', in the sense that the regulars all were already well-entrenched in their endgame, just running some odd alts with the stray newcomer like me. So there were plenty of people who already -did- everything I was trying to do, and everyone just assumed we knew all sorts of stuff.

Now at least there's still a significant portion of folks not yet at endgame, so new arrivals are common and there's a support system in my guild, Dire Beef.

Virtual Success during Real Life Mediocrity

I'm totally using escapism. I know it. I know that it's a *game*, and that there's a real world out there. But right now, I get the daily 'fix' of -feeling- productive, and -feeling- like I'm advancing, like I'm building something meaningful. And right now, I need that. I'm stuck in transition, trying to get myself together, trying to clear the way for whatever comes next...

More later.

Cable out again, no Warcrack :(

Well, it's that time of the season when the paychecks don't line up right and the Cable company gets vicious. We've got another 'cable interruptus' happening right now, which means no phone calls out right now and worse, no Warcrack. I mean, life revolves around Warcrack, sorta. Okay, so it doesn't really, but Warcrack is fun and I enjoy blowing off some smoke and just grinding. I'm really starting to 'get it', as far as the endgame thing goes.

Well, that's good because I'm approaching it again. I was capped at 60 until they brought out Burning Crusade and upped things to 70. I started the slow, inevitable climb and now I'm churning things out. Finally reconnected to my mage-ness with Runika. Here, for those who play and want to see her on the new 'Armory' website from Blizzard...
Runika

It's not like I play all the time. Storm started playing Runika on the off hours because, well, it's a fast ticket to the top instead of earning his way there on Vanolen. But I don't mind. He mostly PvP's, and I mostly don't. So it works out. Just makes me feel slightly schizophrenic when chatting with folks because it's the same alt, different gamers.

In any event, Burning Crusade came out in February, and here it is almost July and I'm still grinding out the upper levels. 67 for now. But the pacing picked up.

HEY! It's not like I live this stuff. We're talking maybe an hour or two of play every other day or so. Back in college, I would have speed-levelled and sunk most of my time into the game. I imagine most college kids do this now, themselves. And when I was unemployed and without freelancing prospects, I got so turned off on the game I gave up the whole 24/7 thing because I didn't want to be living in a fantasy world.

All good. Adults need a different pace. But now, I'm finally starting to absorb the way things work in the game, and starting to plan out my strategies for self-improvement as I come close to the level cap again. I'm not rushing into it, but I'm not dallying either. I hope that next week when I'm not freelancing, I'll be able to grind out the last two levels to 70 and finally, finally get myself into the endgame again when it's all about Rep and Item sets.

Ah well. We'll see. But until Wednesday, there's no hope. Cable's out, and payday is Wednesday.

-Adam

Getting back to things?

I've been freelancing again as a graphic designer. My bank account thanks me profusely, but my Landlady has been less than happy with having to wait until mid-month to get the rent. It's on its way, so we're fine, I just hate disappointing people and looking irresponsible.

With freelancing in my life again, my schedule is slowly returning to the M-F 9-5 corporate grind pace. I'm just happy to be productive. Such an odd feeling, really, but there it is. I'm not cut out for not having a job yet. I'm sure I could get there, but I don't have the chops for it quite yet.

With the return to work, even temporarily, I'm prolonging my unemployment benefits, so the weeks that I have no work or don't clear my unemployment benefit amount I can at least count on that to get me by. I'm also able to pick up the pieces of everything that I dropped these last few months, including the return to art.

Personal Patterns

I know myself well enough that I really think I can stop trying to live up to someone else's ideas of how my creative work should go. I know that actively -working- on it will yield the best results, but the creative urges come and go. Focus shifts. When things get to the point that they're ready to move forward, they do. As things get closer to completion, I can buckle down and study or be productive, but until I can see a point I want to get to, I'm generally not able to work on things that don't interest me.

It's not a good habit to have for the purpose of making money off of my art, but it's a lovely luxury for an artist who earns a living in the daily grind.

Well, I'm returning to Guru Dave next month to resume lessons. I've got Craft projects running now (that's Craft of the Wise projects, not 'Arts and'), a novel at a midpoint break, and my fine arts pursuits. My recent return to the freelancing world of graphic design has actually increased my Photoshop skills significantly. Not in the manner of picking up whole new avenues, but more in the way of "the penny dropped" and I 'got' how to use the Channel Mixer and Selective Color palettes for better control over photo retouching.

Took me a bit, but I'm glad I picked it up.
Still, I'm happy to be returning to working with Guru Dave. I've missed the studio and the intense possibilities that he represents. As well as the "tidying up the past art education I neglected" bits.

Well, we'll see. Really.
Back to work for now.

Update

It's been a bit of a ride this past couple of months. I was fired from my job doing recruiting, went on unemployment, had a hearing, and the hearing was found in my favor. My old boss still didn't get me my stuff back, and I found the original hearing decision suddenly challenged by my old boss who tried to claim I was guilty of 'Wilful Misconduct'. We went before a much more formal appeals adjudicator, got sworn in, gave testimony, questioned each other, etc. A week or so later, the adjudicator communicated her findings to us both in writing... intial decision upheld. I'm not guilty of wilful misconduct, I'm still entitled to my unemployment benefits. And on we go.

Now, it's 3:45 on a Friday afternoon. I'm waiting for more work to come in because I cleared the hopper ahead of time. I'm back freelancing again for one of the industry giants. I'm not going to say where, because my psycho ex-boss seems to not be able to get beyond our differences and has actually threatened to attack my reputation and livelihood in the last email she sent to me. So I'm keeping a low profile when it comes to -her-. She fired me, fine... it was a bad fit for a job anyway. But she tried to make it into some kind of weird extended breakup. She still hasn't returned any of my stuff. I'm writing it off as a loss, and good riddance, frankly.

So anyway, I'm here at this agency, got done with the work, got invited back for next week with possibilities of renewal beyond. Great news! Awesome!

The unique work world of advertising

It's hard to understand what you have until it's lost. I formed my first profession in the world of Connecticut Advertising, and I was blind to some of the better perks that come with working in the industry. For example, I've just been treated to a nice glass of Cabernet Sauvignon and some cheese, served to the whole agency as a regular Friday treat.

In another example, my resume impressed the department head, and my performance yesterday assured them that my experiences were bona fide. I'm left pretty much to my own work ethic and devices to plan and execute my day. I get told the deadlines and what the agency needs, and then they leave me to provide it. We don't dally because the work tends to pile up if you do, but we aren't tied to punching a clock. I'm treated like an adult whose professional experience is sufficient to make my own decisions regarding my workday flow. So long as I deliver on time and on target, I'm left to manage myself.

Not so in the rest of the world, where appearances matter more than reality, and everyone is treated like interchangeable cogs in a machine. I guess that's because of the Art aspect to advertising. Artists don't respond well to timetables and schedules and micromanagement as a rule, and two equally competent artists are NOT equivalent, because each has their own style. Management quickly learns just how fast commercial artists will jump ship if they aren't treated respectfully, and the non-artists tend to enjoy the same level of pampering (at least in the corporate sense of things) that the rest do, too.

Casual dress every day. Emphasis on the deadline, not the kickoff meeting. Some flexibility for arrival times due to traffic and the fact that mornings are not normally 'productive' time for agencies. Yet everyone stays until their jobs get out the door or done for the night. No exceptions. If a rush job drops in your lap at 4:55pm, and it's going to take you 3 hours to do it and it HAS to get done, then you will be at work that night until 8pm or you get the job done.

It's a dedication to the job team, not to the job. There's a difference, and it's subtle, but it's an important one for me. I guess I should have gone out for team sports more in high school.

So... no more recruiting. Back to the bullpen for now as a graphic design freelancer. For as long as it lasts. There's more plans in the works, but I'm not divulging yet.

Trial Over

This morning I had my unemployment hearing appeal session. Let me just say what a fucking huge weight is off of my chest. And how oddly... appealing the process was for me. Not going through it as a subject. But having a case to argue, being given the opportunity to ask questions to poke holes in testimony and using it to make my opponent state as fact the very arguments I was using in my defense. While I hated the last 2 weeks, obsessing completely over them, I found myself today in the thick of things, in what really boils down to a battle of wits, engaged in to settle a matter of contention, under State law. It was... unexpectedly thrilling, in its own way.

I think that my plans to return to graduate school this fall are premature, and misplaced. I think that I might be better served by trying to study law. I find it coming up once again in my life. And I think that tomorrow I'll start things out by going to the library and taking a practice LSAT exam. Looking up how much it costs to register for the test. I know that June's is now closed. September is the next time period to take it, then February. Just enough time to practice that, too.

Tomorrow I take the Grantwriting 101 class. I'm looking forward to it, and I'm looking forward to trying to pick up my first grant assignment. If I can start earning money from my writing skills, maybe it will be a step in the right direction. I know grantwriting isn't glamorous, but I get the opportunity to pick up a little extra cash, and provide services for causes and charities. Maybe learn a little fundraising myself. I can certainly offer my services and experiences as a graphic designer to go along with the grant writing... the full package deal, with a professional look, ease of use, high success ratings, etc.

Well. Certainly a lot is changing. I don't know how the hearing went today, but I'll find out soon in the mail. You know what? I don't fear the outcome, either way. I'm very confident right now that I interpreted the law correctly, used the statutes to prepare my defense, spoke clearly and communicated my point well, and that I answered with a proper argument in my defense every possible way that the statute could have been used against me. I noticed that I was the one who had bothered to look up the law, and I was using that to focus my defense. The charges brought against me were many and varied, and all negative, but they spoke to emotional, subjective, and personal experiences, and completely ignored any knowledge of the respective statutes. Even though those statutes were specifically spelled out, and posted on the CT DOL websites for everyone to review.

Who knows, though. Maybe I overlooked something, and there's a "you can get denied unemployment because you're an asshole who abused my trust how dare you" clause somewhere. I don't think there is. But even if so, I've got options. The dark depression has abated in a rush. There's some solid ideas to consider now. Law school might be a good mid-term goal. Picking up more work from the stagehand stuff is a good short term goal.

Looking back on the murky past and the challenges which have cropped up often gives me a much different view in perspective. I think that my old boss flipped out on me specifically to help me come to grips with the overwhelming fear response, and to help point the way by giving me an experience and a rush like I've never had before. Litigation... weird as it seems, making arguments for a living in the court of law suddenly seems very, very attractive to me, in a way it has never really done before.