Trial Over

This morning I had my unemployment hearing appeal session. Let me just say what a fucking huge weight is off of my chest. And how oddly... appealing the process was for me. Not going through it as a subject. But having a case to argue, being given the opportunity to ask questions to poke holes in testimony and using it to make my opponent state as fact the very arguments I was using in my defense. While I hated the last 2 weeks, obsessing completely over them, I found myself today in the thick of things, in what really boils down to a battle of wits, engaged in to settle a matter of contention, under State law. It was... unexpectedly thrilling, in its own way.

I think that my plans to return to graduate school this fall are premature, and misplaced. I think that I might be better served by trying to study law. I find it coming up once again in my life. And I think that tomorrow I'll start things out by going to the library and taking a practice LSAT exam. Looking up how much it costs to register for the test. I know that June's is now closed. September is the next time period to take it, then February. Just enough time to practice that, too.

Tomorrow I take the Grantwriting 101 class. I'm looking forward to it, and I'm looking forward to trying to pick up my first grant assignment. If I can start earning money from my writing skills, maybe it will be a step in the right direction. I know grantwriting isn't glamorous, but I get the opportunity to pick up a little extra cash, and provide services for causes and charities. Maybe learn a little fundraising myself. I can certainly offer my services and experiences as a graphic designer to go along with the grant writing... the full package deal, with a professional look, ease of use, high success ratings, etc.

Well. Certainly a lot is changing. I don't know how the hearing went today, but I'll find out soon in the mail. You know what? I don't fear the outcome, either way. I'm very confident right now that I interpreted the law correctly, used the statutes to prepare my defense, spoke clearly and communicated my point well, and that I answered with a proper argument in my defense every possible way that the statute could have been used against me. I noticed that I was the one who had bothered to look up the law, and I was using that to focus my defense. The charges brought against me were many and varied, and all negative, but they spoke to emotional, subjective, and personal experiences, and completely ignored any knowledge of the respective statutes. Even though those statutes were specifically spelled out, and posted on the CT DOL websites for everyone to review.

Who knows, though. Maybe I overlooked something, and there's a "you can get denied unemployment because you're an asshole who abused my trust how dare you" clause somewhere. I don't think there is. But even if so, I've got options. The dark depression has abated in a rush. There's some solid ideas to consider now. Law school might be a good mid-term goal. Picking up more work from the stagehand stuff is a good short term goal.

Looking back on the murky past and the challenges which have cropped up often gives me a much different view in perspective. I think that my old boss flipped out on me specifically to help me come to grips with the overwhelming fear response, and to help point the way by giving me an experience and a rush like I've never had before. Litigation... weird as it seems, making arguments for a living in the court of law suddenly seems very, very attractive to me, in a way it has never really done before.

Wandering

It's been a while, mentally and emotionally, since my last post. My boss found out I was looking for another job because I was not happy working for her. One of the places I applied at contacted her and let her know illegally that I was looking, and she used this as the reason for my dismissal.

In the time since, she has refused to give me my personal belongings, she has threatened to use her contacts to 'destroy me' professionally speaking, and after declining to participate in the hearing where the CT Labor Board awarded me unemployment, now she is using her legal right to appeal that decision. I finally got my last paycheck, but I'm still waiting for my personal items.

I've been on an emotional rollercoaster in the process. Being unemployed has taught me a lot about myself. I've been writing, but not often. I'm too scattered to produce much. I've had to wrestle with feelings of uselessness, and I've even started looking into just doing per diem work as a stagehand for the local Performing Arts centers in order to have something to -do-. I need to be busy. I need to be employed. I need my day job.

South Beach has had to go on hold. Eating well costs much more money than eating to survive. Weird, but true. All the same, I'm maintaining my lost weight in the interim.

I've been wrestling with perception, mostly, and that's the key. Lots of stuff has happened in between, including the death of my grandmother, Marie Schillinger, the last of the eldest generation for my extended family. The generation machine kicked forward another notch, and now I'm in the generation my parents formerly occupied, and they're now in the generation formerly belonging to my grandparents. Death and mortality have been very evident for me, as well as the feeling of uselessness and the omnipresent knowledge that no matter how hard I try I'm still utterly weird.

But hopefully everything will work out well for me. I've had another interview, back at the company I worked for before my 'career experiment' with Recruiting. I had left on good terms, and the folks I would be working with all approved me for returning. Now we just need to see who else applied for the job, and what direction the department is going to be shaped into. I remain hopeful.

Fine art... well, one of the things that this time has done for me is demonstrate that fine art as a passion does not yet run so deep that being without ability to make it causes my soul discomfort. Writing, on the other hand, and stories... I can't stop. Even when I refuse to type, my writing finds other outlets. Long, epic emails. Long blogger posts. :) Analyzing the story structure and underlying mythic motifs present in a Star Trek Voyager episode (Unimatrix Zero, for those who are curious). Renewed interest in D&D campaign plots. It all leaks out the edges.

Creation Required.

Good title.