Well, it's been a while. This semester has been rather fun, hectic, depressing, uplifting... everything that Grad School should be. I haven't actually been neglecting my creative side, since a lot of what I'm doing requires the creation of various projects.
Still, the reason for the lack of posting over here is because all of my time is going into my Graduate Student Blog, Graduate Interactive Communications. It was required for my 501 class this semester (501 is like 101 but for graduates, at least at Quinnipiac), but I've been using it for all of my classes, sort of.
Anyhow, back to work. Then out to the doctor. Then off to do class work. Yeah... tons of reading. But it's getting better... there's finals coming up soon.
Oy. :)
One migraine at a time. Didn't I just say I love grad school? Hmmm... I'm still here, maybe I do.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Monday, October 22, 2007
Transparent Anonymity
It's been a while and life has been incredibly busy for me. From one job opportunity to another, with Grad school going on besides.
Really, what I am most of all still is tired. I'm working to get an education and trying to position myself within the world so that I can get a decent job, pick up some valuable skills, and maybe finally be able to work a little less and play more. And I'm exhausted.
I know that my skills are increasing. I know that my life is improving. But I feel so very tired. It's like the rewards never seem to materialize the way that they're advertised. I feel definitely like I'm doing good things and making positive changes, but there's such a tremendous amount of resistance and so much effort that's involved just trying to get to the point where you can actually focus on the work you want to focus on... it just seldom seems worth it.
I want to stay positive. I want to focus on the good things. But it's not always easy, and I'm being put in positions where I'm asked to fight for different things that to me are not 'fight-worthy' causes. I don't have the same feelings for things that seem to be expected. I don't get the same high from earning money or spending money that the rest of the world seems to get. That doesn't make it any less important, but I have to put rational arguments in place for me to even perceive the paycheck as being a reward, sometimes.
I'm so thrilled to be back at school and playing with theory again, theory about something, anything... that I don't know whether or not I'll ever be that happy actually working in a field where the theory is what excites me.
Maybe I just need to push on all the way through my PhD in something and try to teach. But there's no money and horrible competition there. But then... what motivates me? And how do I translate it into real world results and rewards for myself?
I remain convinced that there has to be a better way. I just can't seem to figure out what that way is, yet. But I'm not sold on the idea that life has to be this kind of let-down and distraction from individual passion. I'm not convinced that we have to -be- or -become- a certain way to get ahead, or even just to earn a living. I have 36 years of experience telling me that such a way doesn't exist and the world is just a piece of crap you have to deal with on its terms, but I remain idealistic. Just tired.
Really, what I am most of all still is tired. I'm working to get an education and trying to position myself within the world so that I can get a decent job, pick up some valuable skills, and maybe finally be able to work a little less and play more. And I'm exhausted.
I know that my skills are increasing. I know that my life is improving. But I feel so very tired. It's like the rewards never seem to materialize the way that they're advertised. I feel definitely like I'm doing good things and making positive changes, but there's such a tremendous amount of resistance and so much effort that's involved just trying to get to the point where you can actually focus on the work you want to focus on... it just seldom seems worth it.
I want to stay positive. I want to focus on the good things. But it's not always easy, and I'm being put in positions where I'm asked to fight for different things that to me are not 'fight-worthy' causes. I don't have the same feelings for things that seem to be expected. I don't get the same high from earning money or spending money that the rest of the world seems to get. That doesn't make it any less important, but I have to put rational arguments in place for me to even perceive the paycheck as being a reward, sometimes.
I'm so thrilled to be back at school and playing with theory again, theory about something, anything... that I don't know whether or not I'll ever be that happy actually working in a field where the theory is what excites me.
Maybe I just need to push on all the way through my PhD in something and try to teach. But there's no money and horrible competition there. But then... what motivates me? And how do I translate it into real world results and rewards for myself?
I remain convinced that there has to be a better way. I just can't seem to figure out what that way is, yet. But I'm not sold on the idea that life has to be this kind of let-down and distraction from individual passion. I'm not convinced that we have to -be- or -become- a certain way to get ahead, or even just to earn a living. I have 36 years of experience telling me that such a way doesn't exist and the world is just a piece of crap you have to deal with on its terms, but I remain idealistic. Just tired.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Academia Nuts
I'm a grad student at Quinnipiac University now. Go figure! Well, the professional world of design was kind of winding down. I've felt called to switch careers several times now, but in order to affect that kind of a life change I needed to find some kind of new credentials. Where to get credentials? Academia.
I'm studying Interactive Communications at Quinnipiac University. Beautiful campus, not too far from home, and financial aid covers tuition. Room and the rest are still on my shoulders, but they already were anyway so I didn't add anything to my financial load beyond extra gas to get here and back.
So I'm back in college for the first time in a while. I stayed long enough before, but those were the early 90's so the World Wide Web and the campus environment were very different. Heck, *I* was pretty different. And now I'm in school. Well, it kees me moving forward, and I'm already getting lots of ideas even before I've hit all my classes.
Speaking of which, it's time for my first face-to-face class of the semester. Better head over to the building. It's still kind of surreal to me right now, but I'm doing the homework and getting it all taken care of as best as I can.
Did I mention the home computer seems to have some common libraries going corrupt on us? No? Well, just add it to the list. I'm counting the days until my tuition refund from not taking 5 classes this semester, just 4. I'll be investing in a copy of the school-recommended Dell laptop, just so I can make the transition from a desktop to a mobile platform of a laptop. And trust me, I would totally use it everywhere.
Anyhow, on to my class. This blog will hopefully add in a bit more information about online conventions and insights as I not only add to my technical and professional portfolio of skills but also open up design and interactive projects for my own personal expressions. Can't wait! Creation Required, and this is just an intermediate step to continuing with all that this entails.
I'm studying Interactive Communications at Quinnipiac University. Beautiful campus, not too far from home, and financial aid covers tuition. Room and the rest are still on my shoulders, but they already were anyway so I didn't add anything to my financial load beyond extra gas to get here and back.
So I'm back in college for the first time in a while. I stayed long enough before, but those were the early 90's so the World Wide Web and the campus environment were very different. Heck, *I* was pretty different. And now I'm in school. Well, it kees me moving forward, and I'm already getting lots of ideas even before I've hit all my classes.
Speaking of which, it's time for my first face-to-face class of the semester. Better head over to the building. It's still kind of surreal to me right now, but I'm doing the homework and getting it all taken care of as best as I can.
Did I mention the home computer seems to have some common libraries going corrupt on us? No? Well, just add it to the list. I'm counting the days until my tuition refund from not taking 5 classes this semester, just 4. I'll be investing in a copy of the school-recommended Dell laptop, just so I can make the transition from a desktop to a mobile platform of a laptop. And trust me, I would totally use it everywhere.
Anyhow, on to my class. This blog will hopefully add in a bit more information about online conventions and insights as I not only add to my technical and professional portfolio of skills but also open up design and interactive projects for my own personal expressions. Can't wait! Creation Required, and this is just an intermediate step to continuing with all that this entails.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Character Sheet
I just need to store this someplace online to be available to others. Using this as the bandwidth.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Me.
I need to get this image up on the web for use elsewhere. Since no one reads this, no worries about posting it here, really.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Life's Changes
Julia Cameron in THE ARTIST'S WAY says that (note to self, add Amazon.com partnership to my site) when we feel like we're standing still and not getting anywhere, that's when most of the changes are happening at light speed in our lives. We just lack the perspective to see it, and often abort the process before it's complete. Sometimes just having the faith to keep on persevering is what turns apparent frustration into advancement and relief.
I'd have to agree, only because I've seen several choke points in my life where the funhouse feeling of being lost was just a way to keep me in one place until the new life I had ordered from the universe took shape. Also as a way for me to have some breathing space. Now is no different.
Two and a half years ago, I was working for TracyLocke as essentially what boils down to an Interactive Project Manager. The actual job title was Enterprise Solutions Producer, but it's a misnomer, really. I don't have the skills to actually generate the interactive -structure- of things (no ActionScripting skills here), but I'm very good at developing projects from the ground up and executing them/managing their building.
During that time, I scouted some Masters programs in the local area and found one that seemed a perfect match. Masters of Interactive Communications at Quinnipiac University in Hamden, CT. It's a professional program which can be done all at once in a single calendar year (Fall, Spring, Summer) and which has classes that are designed to prepare me for becoming a Content Manager or Webmaster. They also all happen to be scheduled on nights and weekends, meaning that to me this is a perfect program for professionals who are looking to make a change or round out their interactive knowledge while still working.
At the time, things worked out a bit differently than planned due to career changes that later turned out to be not so wonderful, but I had not refused the acceptance into the program. Instead I had deferred my attendance for the period of one year. It's one year later now, and I'm happy to say that I'm going to be attending full time.
I mean, come on. One year for your Masters, and you don't have to give up your day job? The posted salary levels for a Content Manager are in the $80K range. Now, personally, I think I should have already been there for my work in graphic design and production, but the rest of the world puts the value of production artists and graphic designers at slightly lower. Recently news leaked out that Directors of Print Production in one major CT advertising company get $160K range, but I have to assume that's because of the Director title, not the job description of a Print Producer.
As hokey as it all seems, one major shift came from watching The Secret recently. I have been noticing my negativity trend for a while, and I decided it's time to change. I've got a gratitude rock (a small plain stone you keep in your pocket... every time you touch it, think of something you're grateful for) and I've been working with the attitude shift this week. It's starting to take hold. The negative thoughts and preoccupations still come, but I'm noticing those trends earlier and I'm taking conscious steps to shift my perspective into the positive by immediately countering negative thoughts with optimistic ones.
I walked around the house just letting myself feel high by immersing myself in the giddy feelings that accompany gratitude. If you want to be a rich man, count your blessings. Isn't that how the saying goes?
What an amazing shift is happening with that. I know that for most folks, especially the "too smart for their own good" crowd like me, The Secret can seem hokey. The reason for it is that we actually get an emotional payoff from being negative all the time. We act negatively, and we expect negative things, and then lo and behold, we get negative results. And we say, "AHA! See? I was RIGHT!"
And you know what? That being 'right' gives an emotional payout. When you're very smart, or very visionary, or just coming from a very different angle, we get used to having to explain ourselves, encountering doubt, or fighting mental inertia in the minds of those around us.
So I've begun working on changing it. Oddly enough, before watching The Secret, I found an old PDF I had made of an online text, written in 1910 and posted much later of course, called 'The Science of Getting Rich'. Before you click the link, the site offers free giveaways of the text. I haven't investigated them fully, so Clicker Beware, but I know the text is worth the download.
Anyhow, I came across the text while cleaning, picked it up and thought about reading it again, and then set it down for 'later much'. I saw The Secret and got inspired and started trying the techniques, and now a week later, a friend was cleaning and found a copy of The Science of Getting Rich that I had made for her, and she returned it to me. So last night, I started reading.
Lo and behold, it's the same principle as The Secret. The Law of Attraction. Positive thoughts yield positive outcomes. Believe in yourself, and you can do it. William Blake's old chestnut - When Man commits himself, Providence moves also, to paraphrase.
The odd thing is that in my occult studies, I've come to realize that usually, the truth of any matter is really quite simple. So the apparent over-simplicity of these concepts... wow. Epiphany time. No, really... just try it. Give it 90 days.
Why 90 days? Because Time just ran an article about the science of addiction. It takes 90 days to introduce a new habit and have it stand a chance of taking hold. So, I'm one week into my 90 days. It started very rocky, but I'm not giving up. And change is coming, and it's already showing itself to be for the better. So why not choose to be happy? Choose to be rich? Choose to believe in my own unique gifts, instead of lamenting that I didn't grow up to be an underwear model, or an A-list Hollywood star, or whatever.
So with going back to school for my Masters now a firm commitment, I recognized a potential opportunity back with TracyLocke. I checked in with my old friend Sam, and he gave me the idea that I should put together a new blog, something that was more than just an online diary like this seems to be, and something which could be used as an example of the kind of work that I can do. Using that, I may be able to hook myself up with some freelance gigs for companies so that while I'm going to school I can be doing the kind of work that I'll eventually end up prepped for with the degree.
Law School remains an option, one I've been toying with for years. All my life, actually. But honestly, right now, I see a different direction. Maybe it's not time to shut the door on the opportunity to be recogized for my talents and to make a living from my pasttime.
I'm not abandoning this blog. Not by any stretch of the imagination. Not that I have much (or any) readership, but it's important for me to have a place that serves as the catch-all. Creation Required does just that. It's a useful tool for me, and one I plan on continuing.
But I like D&D. I like designing modules and adventures, and running my own game, and playing in the games of others. I love plots and stories, and I really like the adult aspect of being an older gamer. In days gone by, I would have been a storyteller, amusing the community I was living with by being like a human TV set. But I'm from a different era, and a different age. I tell my stories interactively. I always have. And D&D (and other game systems) have been the vehicle for me sharing my vision with others.
One of the things that makes me unique in the D&D community, or at least makes me stand out as an individual Gamemaster (GM) is that I love plot and story. My story arcs are to die for, and it keeps packing the gaming table full of folks. I recently lost two of my 'pillar' players, the ones who helped to motivate the rest of the crew, and as a result the old campaign arc came to a bit of a premature halt. Those two gamers moved away to Bentonville, Arkansas to work near WalMart for their company, and several gamers who had real life issues cropping up came to a point in their lives where they just couldn't continue with the game.
And yet, despite all of this, I found myself with 8, possibly 9 more players who lined up to get into the game. Not that I had a waiting list, but I certainly have the start of a reputation.
Time to stretch my wings a bit. I have an idea to turn my gaming world into a Boxed Set for sale to the D&D crowd. Who doesn't dream of that? But I beleive my skill set to be at the point where it's not only possible, it's highly plausible. Especially since I'm using my game -structure- experience to modify things slightly, and I'm reworking the typical patterns to hopefully produce a DVD/CD-ROM interactive "boxed set". The costs are much lower to produce copies, and let GM's decide what they need to print out, or use it on their laptops while they game.
The Master's Program requires a final Thesis or Project, so I'm going to make the Tol Vehara Project mine. For those who want to see some of the copious amounts of source materials I have already developed for that game, I direct you to my game Wiki at tolvehara.wetpaint.com. It needs to be revised and updated, certainly, but it's going to be a fun project. And if I get credit for my Masters from it, and if I can develop a product that can be sold or can get me on the map as one of the 'names to know' in D&D writing... well, then, it sounds like fun, and the rewards are definitely something which have real value to me.
So that's the plan. In thinking about it, and tying that plan in with Sam's idea of starting a new blog, I think I'm going to start developing a blog which is meant for D&D Gamemasters, to help them start thinking in terms of plot development and story arc, to make the shift from being a D&D rules lawyer to being a storyteller, and raising their DMing quotient a bit by focusing more on manipulating plots and pacing to deliver entertainment to the crowd of gamers.
Good to have a plan. Time to enlist the aid of allies and start getting this off the ground. While the D&D topic doesn't seem like a good topic for a professional sample, I counter that it actually is. There's enough of an online community for D&D that blogging for it in any way can provide the useful service of collecting, condensing, examining and rehashing various things going on. There's sites to link to, streaming content available on YouTube, etc., and plenty of audience for it. The editorial writing style and essays will be topic-centric. Right now I just need -a- blog for it. If it turns out that it's not received well enough as a sample of being able to carry out the typical tasks, that's fine by me. I can always make another blog later. But one at a time.
Ahhh, life -is- good, and things -are- getting better. All the time.
I'd have to agree, only because I've seen several choke points in my life where the funhouse feeling of being lost was just a way to keep me in one place until the new life I had ordered from the universe took shape. Also as a way for me to have some breathing space. Now is no different.
New Course Laid In
Two and a half years ago, I was working for TracyLocke as essentially what boils down to an Interactive Project Manager. The actual job title was Enterprise Solutions Producer, but it's a misnomer, really. I don't have the skills to actually generate the interactive -structure- of things (no ActionScripting skills here), but I'm very good at developing projects from the ground up and executing them/managing their building.
During that time, I scouted some Masters programs in the local area and found one that seemed a perfect match. Masters of Interactive Communications at Quinnipiac University in Hamden, CT. It's a professional program which can be done all at once in a single calendar year (Fall, Spring, Summer) and which has classes that are designed to prepare me for becoming a Content Manager or Webmaster. They also all happen to be scheduled on nights and weekends, meaning that to me this is a perfect program for professionals who are looking to make a change or round out their interactive knowledge while still working.
At the time, things worked out a bit differently than planned due to career changes that later turned out to be not so wonderful, but I had not refused the acceptance into the program. Instead I had deferred my attendance for the period of one year. It's one year later now, and I'm happy to say that I'm going to be attending full time.
I mean, come on. One year for your Masters, and you don't have to give up your day job? The posted salary levels for a Content Manager are in the $80K range. Now, personally, I think I should have already been there for my work in graphic design and production, but the rest of the world puts the value of production artists and graphic designers at slightly lower. Recently news leaked out that Directors of Print Production in one major CT advertising company get $160K range, but I have to assume that's because of the Director title, not the job description of a Print Producer.
Born Again Optimist
As hokey as it all seems, one major shift came from watching The Secret recently. I have been noticing my negativity trend for a while, and I decided it's time to change. I've got a gratitude rock (a small plain stone you keep in your pocket... every time you touch it, think of something you're grateful for) and I've been working with the attitude shift this week. It's starting to take hold. The negative thoughts and preoccupations still come, but I'm noticing those trends earlier and I'm taking conscious steps to shift my perspective into the positive by immediately countering negative thoughts with optimistic ones.
I walked around the house just letting myself feel high by immersing myself in the giddy feelings that accompany gratitude. If you want to be a rich man, count your blessings. Isn't that how the saying goes?
What an amazing shift is happening with that. I know that for most folks, especially the "too smart for their own good" crowd like me, The Secret can seem hokey. The reason for it is that we actually get an emotional payoff from being negative all the time. We act negatively, and we expect negative things, and then lo and behold, we get negative results. And we say, "AHA! See? I was RIGHT!"
And you know what? That being 'right' gives an emotional payout. When you're very smart, or very visionary, or just coming from a very different angle, we get used to having to explain ourselves, encountering doubt, or fighting mental inertia in the minds of those around us.
Serendipity
So I've begun working on changing it. Oddly enough, before watching The Secret, I found an old PDF I had made of an online text, written in 1910 and posted much later of course, called 'The Science of Getting Rich'. Before you click the link, the site offers free giveaways of the text. I haven't investigated them fully, so Clicker Beware, but I know the text is worth the download.
Anyhow, I came across the text while cleaning, picked it up and thought about reading it again, and then set it down for 'later much'. I saw The Secret and got inspired and started trying the techniques, and now a week later, a friend was cleaning and found a copy of The Science of Getting Rich that I had made for her, and she returned it to me. So last night, I started reading.
Lo and behold, it's the same principle as The Secret. The Law of Attraction. Positive thoughts yield positive outcomes. Believe in yourself, and you can do it. William Blake's old chestnut - When Man commits himself, Providence moves also, to paraphrase.
The odd thing is that in my occult studies, I've come to realize that usually, the truth of any matter is really quite simple. So the apparent over-simplicity of these concepts... wow. Epiphany time. No, really... just try it. Give it 90 days.
Why 90 days? Because Time just ran an article about the science of addiction. It takes 90 days to introduce a new habit and have it stand a chance of taking hold. So, I'm one week into my 90 days. It started very rocky, but I'm not giving up. And change is coming, and it's already showing itself to be for the better. So why not choose to be happy? Choose to be rich? Choose to believe in my own unique gifts, instead of lamenting that I didn't grow up to be an underwear model, or an A-list Hollywood star, or whatever.
The New Direction Unfolds
So with going back to school for my Masters now a firm commitment, I recognized a potential opportunity back with TracyLocke. I checked in with my old friend Sam, and he gave me the idea that I should put together a new blog, something that was more than just an online diary like this seems to be, and something which could be used as an example of the kind of work that I can do. Using that, I may be able to hook myself up with some freelance gigs for companies so that while I'm going to school I can be doing the kind of work that I'll eventually end up prepped for with the degree.
Law School remains an option, one I've been toying with for years. All my life, actually. But honestly, right now, I see a different direction. Maybe it's not time to shut the door on the opportunity to be recogized for my talents and to make a living from my pasttime.
New Blog Idea
I'm not abandoning this blog. Not by any stretch of the imagination. Not that I have much (or any) readership, but it's important for me to have a place that serves as the catch-all. Creation Required does just that. It's a useful tool for me, and one I plan on continuing.
But I like D&D. I like designing modules and adventures, and running my own game, and playing in the games of others. I love plots and stories, and I really like the adult aspect of being an older gamer. In days gone by, I would have been a storyteller, amusing the community I was living with by being like a human TV set. But I'm from a different era, and a different age. I tell my stories interactively. I always have. And D&D (and other game systems) have been the vehicle for me sharing my vision with others.
One of the things that makes me unique in the D&D community, or at least makes me stand out as an individual Gamemaster (GM) is that I love plot and story. My story arcs are to die for, and it keeps packing the gaming table full of folks. I recently lost two of my 'pillar' players, the ones who helped to motivate the rest of the crew, and as a result the old campaign arc came to a bit of a premature halt. Those two gamers moved away to Bentonville, Arkansas to work near WalMart for their company, and several gamers who had real life issues cropping up came to a point in their lives where they just couldn't continue with the game.
And yet, despite all of this, I found myself with 8, possibly 9 more players who lined up to get into the game. Not that I had a waiting list, but I certainly have the start of a reputation.
Time to stretch my wings a bit. I have an idea to turn my gaming world into a Boxed Set for sale to the D&D crowd. Who doesn't dream of that? But I beleive my skill set to be at the point where it's not only possible, it's highly plausible. Especially since I'm using my game -structure- experience to modify things slightly, and I'm reworking the typical patterns to hopefully produce a DVD/CD-ROM interactive "boxed set". The costs are much lower to produce copies, and let GM's decide what they need to print out, or use it on their laptops while they game.
The Master's Program requires a final Thesis or Project, so I'm going to make the Tol Vehara Project mine. For those who want to see some of the copious amounts of source materials I have already developed for that game, I direct you to my game Wiki at tolvehara.wetpaint.com. It needs to be revised and updated, certainly, but it's going to be a fun project. And if I get credit for my Masters from it, and if I can develop a product that can be sold or can get me on the map as one of the 'names to know' in D&D writing... well, then, it sounds like fun, and the rewards are definitely something which have real value to me.
So that's the plan. In thinking about it, and tying that plan in with Sam's idea of starting a new blog, I think I'm going to start developing a blog which is meant for D&D Gamemasters, to help them start thinking in terms of plot development and story arc, to make the shift from being a D&D rules lawyer to being a storyteller, and raising their DMing quotient a bit by focusing more on manipulating plots and pacing to deliver entertainment to the crowd of gamers.
Good to have a plan. Time to enlist the aid of allies and start getting this off the ground. While the D&D topic doesn't seem like a good topic for a professional sample, I counter that it actually is. There's enough of an online community for D&D that blogging for it in any way can provide the useful service of collecting, condensing, examining and rehashing various things going on. There's sites to link to, streaming content available on YouTube, etc., and plenty of audience for it. The editorial writing style and essays will be topic-centric. Right now I just need -a- blog for it. If it turns out that it's not received well enough as a sample of being able to carry out the typical tasks, that's fine by me. I can always make another blog later. But one at a time.
Ahhh, life -is- good, and things -are- getting better. All the time.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Not out of it yet
Well, apparently the general malaise of being unemployed and depressed and at a crossroads in life hasn't resolved itself yet. Or maybe there's still something I'm supposed to be doing that I'm not.
Or maybe, as Jack asked in the film by the same name, "What if this is as good as it gets?"
Scary thought. But liveable. Life doesn't exactly suck, but it's not exactly fun. If I had to define it, I'd say this was Heck. Hell would be more painful.
Or maybe, as Jack asked in the film by the same name, "What if this is as good as it gets?"
Scary thought. But liveable. Life doesn't exactly suck, but it's not exactly fun. If I had to define it, I'd say this was Heck. Hell would be more painful.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Time off
Well, with next week being the holiday, my freelance assignments are all cleared out. So I've got a week to celebrate my independence. Outside of a trip up to see the family with CT-legal fireworks, I'm basically going to be working on some online goals - fleshing out my gaming world, poking my head back into the novel and the non-fiction book to see if the muse has returned there yet, maybe some sketching and walks in the nearby park.
And Warcraft. Definitely warcraft.
See, I've been a caual gamer for Warcraft for a while now. Over a year, off and on here and there. It passed the time in the winter, and it was cooler than Everquest for Mac was. Dark Iron server, Horde, Troll mage named Runika. And I'm happy to announce that she's level 70 and making a good entrance into the endgame.
Well, okay, she's 70 several months after the rest of the server levelled up. She -had- been at the endgame max level of 60, but we arrived there just as news was coming down about the expansion to 70. And at the time, the server had already been 'old', in the sense that the regulars all were already well-entrenched in their endgame, just running some odd alts with the stray newcomer like me. So there were plenty of people who already -did- everything I was trying to do, and everyone just assumed we knew all sorts of stuff.
Now at least there's still a significant portion of folks not yet at endgame, so new arrivals are common and there's a support system in my guild, Dire Beef.
I'm totally using escapism. I know it. I know that it's a *game*, and that there's a real world out there. But right now, I get the daily 'fix' of -feeling- productive, and -feeling- like I'm advancing, like I'm building something meaningful. And right now, I need that. I'm stuck in transition, trying to get myself together, trying to clear the way for whatever comes next...
More later.
And Warcraft. Definitely warcraft.
See, I've been a caual gamer for Warcraft for a while now. Over a year, off and on here and there. It passed the time in the winter, and it was cooler than Everquest for Mac was. Dark Iron server, Horde, Troll mage named Runika. And I'm happy to announce that she's level 70 and making a good entrance into the endgame.
Well, okay, she's 70 several months after the rest of the server levelled up. She -had- been at the endgame max level of 60, but we arrived there just as news was coming down about the expansion to 70. And at the time, the server had already been 'old', in the sense that the regulars all were already well-entrenched in their endgame, just running some odd alts with the stray newcomer like me. So there were plenty of people who already -did- everything I was trying to do, and everyone just assumed we knew all sorts of stuff.
Now at least there's still a significant portion of folks not yet at endgame, so new arrivals are common and there's a support system in my guild, Dire Beef.
Virtual Success during Real Life Mediocrity
I'm totally using escapism. I know it. I know that it's a *game*, and that there's a real world out there. But right now, I get the daily 'fix' of -feeling- productive, and -feeling- like I'm advancing, like I'm building something meaningful. And right now, I need that. I'm stuck in transition, trying to get myself together, trying to clear the way for whatever comes next...
More later.
Friday, June 15, 2007
Cable out again, no Warcrack :(
Well, it's that time of the season when the paychecks don't line up right and the Cable company gets vicious. We've got another 'cable interruptus' happening right now, which means no phone calls out right now and worse, no Warcrack. I mean, life revolves around Warcrack, sorta. Okay, so it doesn't really, but Warcrack is fun and I enjoy blowing off some smoke and just grinding. I'm really starting to 'get it', as far as the endgame thing goes.
Well, that's good because I'm approaching it again. I was capped at 60 until they brought out Burning Crusade and upped things to 70. I started the slow, inevitable climb and now I'm churning things out. Finally reconnected to my mage-ness with Runika. Here, for those who play and want to see her on the new 'Armory' website from Blizzard...
Runika
It's not like I play all the time. Storm started playing Runika on the off hours because, well, it's a fast ticket to the top instead of earning his way there on Vanolen. But I don't mind. He mostly PvP's, and I mostly don't. So it works out. Just makes me feel slightly schizophrenic when chatting with folks because it's the same alt, different gamers.
In any event, Burning Crusade came out in February, and here it is almost July and I'm still grinding out the upper levels. 67 for now. But the pacing picked up.
HEY! It's not like I live this stuff. We're talking maybe an hour or two of play every other day or so. Back in college, I would have speed-levelled and sunk most of my time into the game. I imagine most college kids do this now, themselves. And when I was unemployed and without freelancing prospects, I got so turned off on the game I gave up the whole 24/7 thing because I didn't want to be living in a fantasy world.
All good. Adults need a different pace. But now, I'm finally starting to absorb the way things work in the game, and starting to plan out my strategies for self-improvement as I come close to the level cap again. I'm not rushing into it, but I'm not dallying either. I hope that next week when I'm not freelancing, I'll be able to grind out the last two levels to 70 and finally, finally get myself into the endgame again when it's all about Rep and Item sets.
Ah well. We'll see. But until Wednesday, there's no hope. Cable's out, and payday is Wednesday.
-Adam
Well, that's good because I'm approaching it again. I was capped at 60 until they brought out Burning Crusade and upped things to 70. I started the slow, inevitable climb and now I'm churning things out. Finally reconnected to my mage-ness with Runika. Here, for those who play and want to see her on the new 'Armory' website from Blizzard...
Runika
It's not like I play all the time. Storm started playing Runika on the off hours because, well, it's a fast ticket to the top instead of earning his way there on Vanolen. But I don't mind. He mostly PvP's, and I mostly don't. So it works out. Just makes me feel slightly schizophrenic when chatting with folks because it's the same alt, different gamers.
In any event, Burning Crusade came out in February, and here it is almost July and I'm still grinding out the upper levels. 67 for now. But the pacing picked up.
HEY! It's not like I live this stuff. We're talking maybe an hour or two of play every other day or so. Back in college, I would have speed-levelled and sunk most of my time into the game. I imagine most college kids do this now, themselves. And when I was unemployed and without freelancing prospects, I got so turned off on the game I gave up the whole 24/7 thing because I didn't want to be living in a fantasy world.
All good. Adults need a different pace. But now, I'm finally starting to absorb the way things work in the game, and starting to plan out my strategies for self-improvement as I come close to the level cap again. I'm not rushing into it, but I'm not dallying either. I hope that next week when I'm not freelancing, I'll be able to grind out the last two levels to 70 and finally, finally get myself into the endgame again when it's all about Rep and Item sets.
Ah well. We'll see. But until Wednesday, there's no hope. Cable's out, and payday is Wednesday.
-Adam
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Getting back to things?
I've been freelancing again as a graphic designer. My bank account thanks me profusely, but my Landlady has been less than happy with having to wait until mid-month to get the rent. It's on its way, so we're fine, I just hate disappointing people and looking irresponsible.
With freelancing in my life again, my schedule is slowly returning to the M-F 9-5 corporate grind pace. I'm just happy to be productive. Such an odd feeling, really, but there it is. I'm not cut out for not having a job yet. I'm sure I could get there, but I don't have the chops for it quite yet.
With the return to work, even temporarily, I'm prolonging my unemployment benefits, so the weeks that I have no work or don't clear my unemployment benefit amount I can at least count on that to get me by. I'm also able to pick up the pieces of everything that I dropped these last few months, including the return to art.
I know myself well enough that I really think I can stop trying to live up to someone else's ideas of how my creative work should go. I know that actively -working- on it will yield the best results, but the creative urges come and go. Focus shifts. When things get to the point that they're ready to move forward, they do. As things get closer to completion, I can buckle down and study or be productive, but until I can see a point I want to get to, I'm generally not able to work on things that don't interest me.
It's not a good habit to have for the purpose of making money off of my art, but it's a lovely luxury for an artist who earns a living in the daily grind.
Well, I'm returning to Guru Dave next month to resume lessons. I've got Craft projects running now (that's Craft of the Wise projects, not 'Arts and'), a novel at a midpoint break, and my fine arts pursuits. My recent return to the freelancing world of graphic design has actually increased my Photoshop skills significantly. Not in the manner of picking up whole new avenues, but more in the way of "the penny dropped" and I 'got' how to use the Channel Mixer and Selective Color palettes for better control over photo retouching.
Took me a bit, but I'm glad I picked it up.
Still, I'm happy to be returning to working with Guru Dave. I've missed the studio and the intense possibilities that he represents. As well as the "tidying up the past art education I neglected" bits.
Well, we'll see. Really.
Back to work for now.
With freelancing in my life again, my schedule is slowly returning to the M-F 9-5 corporate grind pace. I'm just happy to be productive. Such an odd feeling, really, but there it is. I'm not cut out for not having a job yet. I'm sure I could get there, but I don't have the chops for it quite yet.
With the return to work, even temporarily, I'm prolonging my unemployment benefits, so the weeks that I have no work or don't clear my unemployment benefit amount I can at least count on that to get me by. I'm also able to pick up the pieces of everything that I dropped these last few months, including the return to art.
Personal Patterns
I know myself well enough that I really think I can stop trying to live up to someone else's ideas of how my creative work should go. I know that actively -working- on it will yield the best results, but the creative urges come and go. Focus shifts. When things get to the point that they're ready to move forward, they do. As things get closer to completion, I can buckle down and study or be productive, but until I can see a point I want to get to, I'm generally not able to work on things that don't interest me.
It's not a good habit to have for the purpose of making money off of my art, but it's a lovely luxury for an artist who earns a living in the daily grind.
Well, I'm returning to Guru Dave next month to resume lessons. I've got Craft projects running now (that's Craft of the Wise projects, not 'Arts and'), a novel at a midpoint break, and my fine arts pursuits. My recent return to the freelancing world of graphic design has actually increased my Photoshop skills significantly. Not in the manner of picking up whole new avenues, but more in the way of "the penny dropped" and I 'got' how to use the Channel Mixer and Selective Color palettes for better control over photo retouching.
Took me a bit, but I'm glad I picked it up.
Still, I'm happy to be returning to working with Guru Dave. I've missed the studio and the intense possibilities that he represents. As well as the "tidying up the past art education I neglected" bits.
Well, we'll see. Really.
Back to work for now.
Friday, June 1, 2007
Update
It's been a bit of a ride this past couple of months. I was fired from my job doing recruiting, went on unemployment, had a hearing, and the hearing was found in my favor. My old boss still didn't get me my stuff back, and I found the original hearing decision suddenly challenged by my old boss who tried to claim I was guilty of 'Wilful Misconduct'. We went before a much more formal appeals adjudicator, got sworn in, gave testimony, questioned each other, etc. A week or so later, the adjudicator communicated her findings to us both in writing... intial decision upheld. I'm not guilty of wilful misconduct, I'm still entitled to my unemployment benefits. And on we go.
Now, it's 3:45 on a Friday afternoon. I'm waiting for more work to come in because I cleared the hopper ahead of time. I'm back freelancing again for one of the industry giants. I'm not going to say where, because my psycho ex-boss seems to not be able to get beyond our differences and has actually threatened to attack my reputation and livelihood in the last email she sent to me. So I'm keeping a low profile when it comes to -her-. She fired me, fine... it was a bad fit for a job anyway. But she tried to make it into some kind of weird extended breakup. She still hasn't returned any of my stuff. I'm writing it off as a loss, and good riddance, frankly.
So anyway, I'm here at this agency, got done with the work, got invited back for next week with possibilities of renewal beyond. Great news! Awesome!
It's hard to understand what you have until it's lost. I formed my first profession in the world of Connecticut Advertising, and I was blind to some of the better perks that come with working in the industry. For example, I've just been treated to a nice glass of Cabernet Sauvignon and some cheese, served to the whole agency as a regular Friday treat.
In another example, my resume impressed the department head, and my performance yesterday assured them that my experiences were bona fide. I'm left pretty much to my own work ethic and devices to plan and execute my day. I get told the deadlines and what the agency needs, and then they leave me to provide it. We don't dally because the work tends to pile up if you do, but we aren't tied to punching a clock. I'm treated like an adult whose professional experience is sufficient to make my own decisions regarding my workday flow. So long as I deliver on time and on target, I'm left to manage myself.
Not so in the rest of the world, where appearances matter more than reality, and everyone is treated like interchangeable cogs in a machine. I guess that's because of the Art aspect to advertising. Artists don't respond well to timetables and schedules and micromanagement as a rule, and two equally competent artists are NOT equivalent, because each has their own style. Management quickly learns just how fast commercial artists will jump ship if they aren't treated respectfully, and the non-artists tend to enjoy the same level of pampering (at least in the corporate sense of things) that the rest do, too.
Casual dress every day. Emphasis on the deadline, not the kickoff meeting. Some flexibility for arrival times due to traffic and the fact that mornings are not normally 'productive' time for agencies. Yet everyone stays until their jobs get out the door or done for the night. No exceptions. If a rush job drops in your lap at 4:55pm, and it's going to take you 3 hours to do it and it HAS to get done, then you will be at work that night until 8pm or you get the job done.
It's a dedication to the job team, not to the job. There's a difference, and it's subtle, but it's an important one for me. I guess I should have gone out for team sports more in high school.
So... no more recruiting. Back to the bullpen for now as a graphic design freelancer. For as long as it lasts. There's more plans in the works, but I'm not divulging yet.
Now, it's 3:45 on a Friday afternoon. I'm waiting for more work to come in because I cleared the hopper ahead of time. I'm back freelancing again for one of the industry giants. I'm not going to say where, because my psycho ex-boss seems to not be able to get beyond our differences and has actually threatened to attack my reputation and livelihood in the last email she sent to me. So I'm keeping a low profile when it comes to -her-. She fired me, fine... it was a bad fit for a job anyway. But she tried to make it into some kind of weird extended breakup. She still hasn't returned any of my stuff. I'm writing it off as a loss, and good riddance, frankly.
So anyway, I'm here at this agency, got done with the work, got invited back for next week with possibilities of renewal beyond. Great news! Awesome!
The unique work world of advertising
It's hard to understand what you have until it's lost. I formed my first profession in the world of Connecticut Advertising, and I was blind to some of the better perks that come with working in the industry. For example, I've just been treated to a nice glass of Cabernet Sauvignon and some cheese, served to the whole agency as a regular Friday treat.
In another example, my resume impressed the department head, and my performance yesterday assured them that my experiences were bona fide. I'm left pretty much to my own work ethic and devices to plan and execute my day. I get told the deadlines and what the agency needs, and then they leave me to provide it. We don't dally because the work tends to pile up if you do, but we aren't tied to punching a clock. I'm treated like an adult whose professional experience is sufficient to make my own decisions regarding my workday flow. So long as I deliver on time and on target, I'm left to manage myself.
Not so in the rest of the world, where appearances matter more than reality, and everyone is treated like interchangeable cogs in a machine. I guess that's because of the Art aspect to advertising. Artists don't respond well to timetables and schedules and micromanagement as a rule, and two equally competent artists are NOT equivalent, because each has their own style. Management quickly learns just how fast commercial artists will jump ship if they aren't treated respectfully, and the non-artists tend to enjoy the same level of pampering (at least in the corporate sense of things) that the rest do, too.
Casual dress every day. Emphasis on the deadline, not the kickoff meeting. Some flexibility for arrival times due to traffic and the fact that mornings are not normally 'productive' time for agencies. Yet everyone stays until their jobs get out the door or done for the night. No exceptions. If a rush job drops in your lap at 4:55pm, and it's going to take you 3 hours to do it and it HAS to get done, then you will be at work that night until 8pm or you get the job done.
It's a dedication to the job team, not to the job. There's a difference, and it's subtle, but it's an important one for me. I guess I should have gone out for team sports more in high school.
So... no more recruiting. Back to the bullpen for now as a graphic design freelancer. For as long as it lasts. There's more plans in the works, but I'm not divulging yet.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Trial Over
This morning I had my unemployment hearing appeal session. Let me just say what a fucking huge weight is off of my chest. And how oddly... appealing the process was for me. Not going through it as a subject. But having a case to argue, being given the opportunity to ask questions to poke holes in testimony and using it to make my opponent state as fact the very arguments I was using in my defense. While I hated the last 2 weeks, obsessing completely over them, I found myself today in the thick of things, in what really boils down to a battle of wits, engaged in to settle a matter of contention, under State law. It was... unexpectedly thrilling, in its own way.
I think that my plans to return to graduate school this fall are premature, and misplaced. I think that I might be better served by trying to study law. I find it coming up once again in my life. And I think that tomorrow I'll start things out by going to the library and taking a practice LSAT exam. Looking up how much it costs to register for the test. I know that June's is now closed. September is the next time period to take it, then February. Just enough time to practice that, too.
Tomorrow I take the Grantwriting 101 class. I'm looking forward to it, and I'm looking forward to trying to pick up my first grant assignment. If I can start earning money from my writing skills, maybe it will be a step in the right direction. I know grantwriting isn't glamorous, but I get the opportunity to pick up a little extra cash, and provide services for causes and charities. Maybe learn a little fundraising myself. I can certainly offer my services and experiences as a graphic designer to go along with the grant writing... the full package deal, with a professional look, ease of use, high success ratings, etc.
Well. Certainly a lot is changing. I don't know how the hearing went today, but I'll find out soon in the mail. You know what? I don't fear the outcome, either way. I'm very confident right now that I interpreted the law correctly, used the statutes to prepare my defense, spoke clearly and communicated my point well, and that I answered with a proper argument in my defense every possible way that the statute could have been used against me. I noticed that I was the one who had bothered to look up the law, and I was using that to focus my defense. The charges brought against me were many and varied, and all negative, but they spoke to emotional, subjective, and personal experiences, and completely ignored any knowledge of the respective statutes. Even though those statutes were specifically spelled out, and posted on the CT DOL websites for everyone to review.
Who knows, though. Maybe I overlooked something, and there's a "you can get denied unemployment because you're an asshole who abused my trust how dare you" clause somewhere. I don't think there is. But even if so, I've got options. The dark depression has abated in a rush. There's some solid ideas to consider now. Law school might be a good mid-term goal. Picking up more work from the stagehand stuff is a good short term goal.
Looking back on the murky past and the challenges which have cropped up often gives me a much different view in perspective. I think that my old boss flipped out on me specifically to help me come to grips with the overwhelming fear response, and to help point the way by giving me an experience and a rush like I've never had before. Litigation... weird as it seems, making arguments for a living in the court of law suddenly seems very, very attractive to me, in a way it has never really done before.
I think that my plans to return to graduate school this fall are premature, and misplaced. I think that I might be better served by trying to study law. I find it coming up once again in my life. And I think that tomorrow I'll start things out by going to the library and taking a practice LSAT exam. Looking up how much it costs to register for the test. I know that June's is now closed. September is the next time period to take it, then February. Just enough time to practice that, too.
Tomorrow I take the Grantwriting 101 class. I'm looking forward to it, and I'm looking forward to trying to pick up my first grant assignment. If I can start earning money from my writing skills, maybe it will be a step in the right direction. I know grantwriting isn't glamorous, but I get the opportunity to pick up a little extra cash, and provide services for causes and charities. Maybe learn a little fundraising myself. I can certainly offer my services and experiences as a graphic designer to go along with the grant writing... the full package deal, with a professional look, ease of use, high success ratings, etc.
Well. Certainly a lot is changing. I don't know how the hearing went today, but I'll find out soon in the mail. You know what? I don't fear the outcome, either way. I'm very confident right now that I interpreted the law correctly, used the statutes to prepare my defense, spoke clearly and communicated my point well, and that I answered with a proper argument in my defense every possible way that the statute could have been used against me. I noticed that I was the one who had bothered to look up the law, and I was using that to focus my defense. The charges brought against me were many and varied, and all negative, but they spoke to emotional, subjective, and personal experiences, and completely ignored any knowledge of the respective statutes. Even though those statutes were specifically spelled out, and posted on the CT DOL websites for everyone to review.
Who knows, though. Maybe I overlooked something, and there's a "you can get denied unemployment because you're an asshole who abused my trust how dare you" clause somewhere. I don't think there is. But even if so, I've got options. The dark depression has abated in a rush. There's some solid ideas to consider now. Law school might be a good mid-term goal. Picking up more work from the stagehand stuff is a good short term goal.
Looking back on the murky past and the challenges which have cropped up often gives me a much different view in perspective. I think that my old boss flipped out on me specifically to help me come to grips with the overwhelming fear response, and to help point the way by giving me an experience and a rush like I've never had before. Litigation... weird as it seems, making arguments for a living in the court of law suddenly seems very, very attractive to me, in a way it has never really done before.
Sunday, May 6, 2007
Wandering
It's been a while, mentally and emotionally, since my last post. My boss found out I was looking for another job because I was not happy working for her. One of the places I applied at contacted her and let her know illegally that I was looking, and she used this as the reason for my dismissal.
In the time since, she has refused to give me my personal belongings, she has threatened to use her contacts to 'destroy me' professionally speaking, and after declining to participate in the hearing where the CT Labor Board awarded me unemployment, now she is using her legal right to appeal that decision. I finally got my last paycheck, but I'm still waiting for my personal items.
I've been on an emotional rollercoaster in the process. Being unemployed has taught me a lot about myself. I've been writing, but not often. I'm too scattered to produce much. I've had to wrestle with feelings of uselessness, and I've even started looking into just doing per diem work as a stagehand for the local Performing Arts centers in order to have something to -do-. I need to be busy. I need to be employed. I need my day job.
South Beach has had to go on hold. Eating well costs much more money than eating to survive. Weird, but true. All the same, I'm maintaining my lost weight in the interim.
I've been wrestling with perception, mostly, and that's the key. Lots of stuff has happened in between, including the death of my grandmother, Marie Schillinger, the last of the eldest generation for my extended family. The generation machine kicked forward another notch, and now I'm in the generation my parents formerly occupied, and they're now in the generation formerly belonging to my grandparents. Death and mortality have been very evident for me, as well as the feeling of uselessness and the omnipresent knowledge that no matter how hard I try I'm still utterly weird.
But hopefully everything will work out well for me. I've had another interview, back at the company I worked for before my 'career experiment' with Recruiting. I had left on good terms, and the folks I would be working with all approved me for returning. Now we just need to see who else applied for the job, and what direction the department is going to be shaped into. I remain hopeful.
Fine art... well, one of the things that this time has done for me is demonstrate that fine art as a passion does not yet run so deep that being without ability to make it causes my soul discomfort. Writing, on the other hand, and stories... I can't stop. Even when I refuse to type, my writing finds other outlets. Long, epic emails. Long blogger posts. :) Analyzing the story structure and underlying mythic motifs present in a Star Trek Voyager episode (Unimatrix Zero, for those who are curious). Renewed interest in D&D campaign plots. It all leaks out the edges.
Creation Required.
Good title.
In the time since, she has refused to give me my personal belongings, she has threatened to use her contacts to 'destroy me' professionally speaking, and after declining to participate in the hearing where the CT Labor Board awarded me unemployment, now she is using her legal right to appeal that decision. I finally got my last paycheck, but I'm still waiting for my personal items.
I've been on an emotional rollercoaster in the process. Being unemployed has taught me a lot about myself. I've been writing, but not often. I'm too scattered to produce much. I've had to wrestle with feelings of uselessness, and I've even started looking into just doing per diem work as a stagehand for the local Performing Arts centers in order to have something to -do-. I need to be busy. I need to be employed. I need my day job.
South Beach has had to go on hold. Eating well costs much more money than eating to survive. Weird, but true. All the same, I'm maintaining my lost weight in the interim.
I've been wrestling with perception, mostly, and that's the key. Lots of stuff has happened in between, including the death of my grandmother, Marie Schillinger, the last of the eldest generation for my extended family. The generation machine kicked forward another notch, and now I'm in the generation my parents formerly occupied, and they're now in the generation formerly belonging to my grandparents. Death and mortality have been very evident for me, as well as the feeling of uselessness and the omnipresent knowledge that no matter how hard I try I'm still utterly weird.
But hopefully everything will work out well for me. I've had another interview, back at the company I worked for before my 'career experiment' with Recruiting. I had left on good terms, and the folks I would be working with all approved me for returning. Now we just need to see who else applied for the job, and what direction the department is going to be shaped into. I remain hopeful.
Fine art... well, one of the things that this time has done for me is demonstrate that fine art as a passion does not yet run so deep that being without ability to make it causes my soul discomfort. Writing, on the other hand, and stories... I can't stop. Even when I refuse to type, my writing finds other outlets. Long, epic emails. Long blogger posts. :) Analyzing the story structure and underlying mythic motifs present in a Star Trek Voyager episode (Unimatrix Zero, for those who are curious). Renewed interest in D&D campaign plots. It all leaks out the edges.
Creation Required.
Good title.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Weigh in, 2 weeks
Two weeks into the South Beach diet. I'm cooking more at home so we're saving money. I'm not starving at all, in fact I'm always rather full. I don't feel as tired anymore. I'm -not- exercising or changing anything other than the foods that I'm eating. Last night I used Tish's scale to weigh myself. Now, the numbers aren't important in and of themselves, and Tish's scale is not digital, nor is it in any way guaranteed to be calibrated to Dave's scale.
With that said, I started out 2 weeks ago at 299. I weighed in last night at 282. It took us a little while in the party to actually do the math, but four drunk adults at a party finally figured out that this means I lost 17 pounds in 2 weeks.
The first 10 pounds is all water, and the diet slows down from here. Which is fine by me, really. No, seriously. I was a little surprised at how much I'd lost, and got worried for a moment that I was dropping too much at once. I know. I know... everyone wishes the changes to their eating habits had such a thing to worry about. But my goal is overall health. And 17 pounds in two weeks seems to be too fast.
But I assure you, I feel great. I'm looking forward to the spring so I can get back into the gym again in the mornings. See how things go from there.
I'd love to start hiking. Seriously. Maybe do the camping thing, too. Overnight hike into the woods. Not just for the idea of hiking, but also to fuel my art. Get out into nature and see. And get a nice digital camera so that I can collect photo studies for later art pieces.
Maybe a hiking trip would be some kind of reward for this. I was just gonna say "Maybe the digital camera would be a good reward for this." Maybe a year anniversary gift. But I think that if I can do this for one year, then I should go on a hiking trip ... with the camera. One year. Doesn't have to be a tour or anyplace fancy. And I give myself permission to wait until the summer for it, too. ;)
So there we have it. South Beach diet 1 continuous year from now, no matter what phase. I'm planning on cheating for the Christmas holidays. Last 2 weeks of the year. But I'll cheat responsibly... if I get all the way there I won't want to wreck what I've accomplished. But if this is a diet then it has to survive falling off the wagon. If I do it intentionally, then I know that I can maintain it. So that's a good test...being able to get back on the diet January 2, 2008, after 2 weeks of "Phase 4". :-) Then back into Phase 1, which isn't bad. At all.
I really like this food plan. I think this might actually be a complete lifestyle change for me. Funny that it comes right on the edge of deciding to actually be different, to be an artist, to take chances and make statements. Could it be that I've been resisting this for so long that I was indeed a blocked creative? HAH! Wow... this is pretty .... intense.
But in a good way.
-Adam
With that said, I started out 2 weeks ago at 299. I weighed in last night at 282. It took us a little while in the party to actually do the math, but four drunk adults at a party finally figured out that this means I lost 17 pounds in 2 weeks.
The first 10 pounds is all water, and the diet slows down from here. Which is fine by me, really. No, seriously. I was a little surprised at how much I'd lost, and got worried for a moment that I was dropping too much at once. I know. I know... everyone wishes the changes to their eating habits had such a thing to worry about. But my goal is overall health. And 17 pounds in two weeks seems to be too fast.
But I assure you, I feel great. I'm looking forward to the spring so I can get back into the gym again in the mornings. See how things go from there.
I'd love to start hiking. Seriously. Maybe do the camping thing, too. Overnight hike into the woods. Not just for the idea of hiking, but also to fuel my art. Get out into nature and see. And get a nice digital camera so that I can collect photo studies for later art pieces.
Maybe a hiking trip would be some kind of reward for this. I was just gonna say "Maybe the digital camera would be a good reward for this." Maybe a year anniversary gift. But I think that if I can do this for one year, then I should go on a hiking trip ... with the camera. One year. Doesn't have to be a tour or anyplace fancy. And I give myself permission to wait until the summer for it, too. ;)
So there we have it. South Beach diet 1 continuous year from now, no matter what phase. I'm planning on cheating for the Christmas holidays. Last 2 weeks of the year. But I'll cheat responsibly... if I get all the way there I won't want to wreck what I've accomplished. But if this is a diet then it has to survive falling off the wagon. If I do it intentionally, then I know that I can maintain it. So that's a good test...being able to get back on the diet January 2, 2008, after 2 weeks of "Phase 4". :-) Then back into Phase 1, which isn't bad. At all.
I really like this food plan. I think this might actually be a complete lifestyle change for me. Funny that it comes right on the edge of deciding to actually be different, to be an artist, to take chances and make statements. Could it be that I've been resisting this for so long that I was indeed a blocked creative? HAH! Wow... this is pretty .... intense.
But in a good way.
-Adam
Friday, March 9, 2007
More on Dali's 50 Secrets
I'm continuing to read further, but I haven't gotten to a point where the Secrets arrive at their next conclusion. Because that's the case with these things. Dali may have enumerated 50 of them, but the Secrets seem to be falling into groups of things. I don't have the book immediately to hand, but all of the bits about creating 5 different araneariums (spider-habitats) to convince webs to be spun so that you can look at the landscape through them... well, let's just say that I respect spiders, but I'm not running out to cultivate close relationships with orb-spinners.
Just like the Bible and the IRS Tax Code, you can interpret the 50 Secrets on a number of different levels. There's the words exactly as written, which in the hands of practiced occultists become a path toward the Great Work. Any occultist who actually performs the steps as written exactly has my respect in pulling it off, but also my sympathy... just because a painting Master tells you to go do something doesn't mean he was a) talking to you, b) telling the truth, or c) worth listening to as much as his work is worth looking at.
Dali's worth listening to, but you need to also think for yourself. While I'm sure that the egomaniac/marketing side very genuinely believed that you needed to listen exactly to Dali in all of these things, I'm sure that the actual artist portion of his persona would have delighted in the fact that he had found someone with enough strength of character to stand up to him, and yet wisdom enough not to dismiss him just because of his stylized fantastical elements.
Part of the problem is that, as with any inspirational writing, you need to be able to sift through what is actually said to get at the wellspring of meaning and inspiration which prompted the writing. Dali's tapping into some very essential, spiritual truths here, but the manner in which he himself manifested the realization of these spiritual truths is not as universal as the truths themselves.
As it always it. Reading is not permission to close your mind and stop thinking for yourself. However, setting aside your preconceptions to at least give serious consideration to even the most fantastical proposistions is what allows us to come to know in some small way these other creatures we name as fellow humans. So we continue reading through these secrets with one eye on the literal expression for what it is, and the other eye on the probable sources of inspiration or motivation for what they are. Where the literal cannot serve us properly, then we are left trying to approach a personal apprehension of the truth that inspired, say, the fish eyes or the sea urchins. Whether we can or not is the test of both our ability to comprehend and Dali's ability to communicate.
I'll analyze more of the secrets when I get far enough along to be able to see where the similar points end and where new motivations begin to pour through. So far, they're mostly concerned with items like controling your sex life to channel or retard the creative energies of the libido. Taoist monks practice celibacy along with meditations and diet as the keys to prolonging life eternally. (Once again, without sex, is life worth prolonging that much?)
They also seem to be about finding the right mental/spiritual balance with regard to the painting. Not spending too much time. Not over-finishing. Not letting the details bog you down until it's time to worry about the details, and then knowing when the painting is finished.
Interesting theories. When I'm done with the whole book I'll go back and pick apart each of the secrets.
Just like the Bible and the IRS Tax Code, you can interpret the 50 Secrets on a number of different levels. There's the words exactly as written, which in the hands of practiced occultists become a path toward the Great Work. Any occultist who actually performs the steps as written exactly has my respect in pulling it off, but also my sympathy... just because a painting Master tells you to go do something doesn't mean he was a) talking to you, b) telling the truth, or c) worth listening to as much as his work is worth looking at.
Dali the mad genius?
Dali's worth listening to, but you need to also think for yourself. While I'm sure that the egomaniac/marketing side very genuinely believed that you needed to listen exactly to Dali in all of these things, I'm sure that the actual artist portion of his persona would have delighted in the fact that he had found someone with enough strength of character to stand up to him, and yet wisdom enough not to dismiss him just because of his stylized fantastical elements.
Part of the problem is that, as with any inspirational writing, you need to be able to sift through what is actually said to get at the wellspring of meaning and inspiration which prompted the writing. Dali's tapping into some very essential, spiritual truths here, but the manner in which he himself manifested the realization of these spiritual truths is not as universal as the truths themselves.
Keeping my head
As it always it. Reading is not permission to close your mind and stop thinking for yourself. However, setting aside your preconceptions to at least give serious consideration to even the most fantastical proposistions is what allows us to come to know in some small way these other creatures we name as fellow humans. So we continue reading through these secrets with one eye on the literal expression for what it is, and the other eye on the probable sources of inspiration or motivation for what they are. Where the literal cannot serve us properly, then we are left trying to approach a personal apprehension of the truth that inspired, say, the fish eyes or the sea urchins. Whether we can or not is the test of both our ability to comprehend and Dali's ability to communicate.
I'll analyze more of the secrets when I get far enough along to be able to see where the similar points end and where new motivations begin to pour through. So far, they're mostly concerned with items like controling your sex life to channel or retard the creative energies of the libido. Taoist monks practice celibacy along with meditations and diet as the keys to prolonging life eternally. (Once again, without sex, is life worth prolonging that much?)
They also seem to be about finding the right mental/spiritual balance with regard to the painting. Not spending too much time. Not over-finishing. Not letting the details bog you down until it's time to worry about the details, and then knowing when the painting is finished.
Interesting theories. When I'm done with the whole book I'll go back and pick apart each of the secrets.
Thursday, March 8, 2007
Unwritten
A big 'thank you' to Natasha Beddingford for the inspiration of her pop song "Unwritten". It's very helpful sometimes. I think I'm finally going to put together some mix CDs of creatively-inspiring music. Trouble is that there's a lot of different styles for it and it depends on mood.
But I still think that it's just wonderful to be driving down the road and have a track like "Unwritten" come on the radio. It's one of those songs that carries the reminder and communicates the call to create. Beautiful stuff, really, both for its own aesthetic merit, but also because it catches you at odd times when you aren't paying attention. It's like the siren's call from the imam, beckoning the Createful to attend to the Making.
Kind of inspiring, to do work like that. I think I feel a poem coming on. ;) I'll let you know how it turns out.
Or I'll just space out for a couple of minutes while I'm supposed to be writing job descriptions and flesh out a rough draft.
The Call of the Making
---------------------------------------------
Attend to the call of the Making
Attend to the call of the dream
Our lives are the canvas before us
Our hearts dancing gold in the stream.
We live by the flow and the measure,
The seas at high tide and low ebb.
We speak with the voices of angels
And conquer our fear and our dread.
We dance with the passion of demons,
We know both the Grace and the Fall,
For we are the humans between them;
As artists we drink with them all.
Come to the place of the Making
Come to the place of rebirth.
From nothing to something it moves us,
The Muse manifesting on Earth.
Attend to the Call, ye Createful,
The imam is making is call,
Submit to Art's will and be grateful
The Muse will move through you at all.
Attend to the Call of the Making,
Attend to the Call of the Dream,
Ye artists and poets and dancers,
This vision of yours needs to be.
But I still think that it's just wonderful to be driving down the road and have a track like "Unwritten" come on the radio. It's one of those songs that carries the reminder and communicates the call to create. Beautiful stuff, really, both for its own aesthetic merit, but also because it catches you at odd times when you aren't paying attention. It's like the siren's call from the imam, beckoning the Createful to attend to the Making.
Kind of inspiring, to do work like that. I think I feel a poem coming on. ;) I'll let you know how it turns out.
Or I'll just space out for a couple of minutes while I'm supposed to be writing job descriptions and flesh out a rough draft.
The Call of the Making
---------------------------------------------
Attend to the call of the Making
Attend to the call of the dream
Our lives are the canvas before us
Our hearts dancing gold in the stream.
We live by the flow and the measure,
The seas at high tide and low ebb.
We speak with the voices of angels
And conquer our fear and our dread.
We dance with the passion of demons,
We know both the Grace and the Fall,
For we are the humans between them;
As artists we drink with them all.
Come to the place of the Making
Come to the place of rebirth.
From nothing to something it moves us,
The Muse manifesting on Earth.
Attend to the Call, ye Createful,
The imam is making is call,
Submit to Art's will and be grateful
The Muse will move through you at all.
Attend to the Call of the Making,
Attend to the Call of the Dream,
Ye artists and poets and dancers,
This vision of yours needs to be.
Monday, March 5, 2007
Monday, March 5, 2007
South Beach phase 1, day 7. I made it through the first week of the strictest phase of the diet. Correction, -we- made it. Storm has been doing this with me, too. And he's succeeded in staying on it, too. He used to be on Atkins full time, lost a lot of weight on it too... but once he came off of it... well, Atkins only works so long as you never, ever leave it. South Beach starts strict and gets more realistic as you go. So...
I'm noticing that I feel different. I can't put my finger on it, because it's not like I have a ton of abundant energy (wait till the end of March when I get back into the gym and then we'll see all the energy), but I don't have quite as much inertia working against me. If I sit down on the couch, I don't feel like I'm stuck to it anymore. I still complain mentally about having to get up and do chores, but it's nowhere near what it used to be.
I guess that's it. My life has long had an underlying tiredness to it. A weariness which was exacerbated by the depressive bouts. I used to think that the tiredness was just part and parcel of the whole Depression schtick, but now I'm beginning to think that there really is something to the notion of eating well will put you in a better head space.
I do miss pizza, but I found that the ghetto Stop & Shop next door actually sells nut flours (as well as nothing-added nut butters like Peanut Butter and Almond Butter, etc). So I think that when I go grocery shopping tonight, I'll buy a bag of the pure almond flour (nothing but ground almonds) and try making a pizza margherite from sliced tomatoes and goat cheese. Last night I made a tomato-basil-mozz mix for salad, and it was so sweet and nice, I'm going to be reprising that for tonight's salad.
That's another thing. I totally never "got" the whole concept that certain non-carb foods were actually sweet. But lemme tell ya, after just one week I can totally taste how a tomato really *is* a fruit. The sweetness is there. I never would have named tomatoes as being a 'sweet' food, but then I also wouldn't have named peppers or cheese as being 'sweet' either. But this is what life was like for the most part before refined sugars came along. I can only bet what bread is going to taste like next week.
Anyhoo, I was going to chat about art and my project ideas, but for right now I think I'll wrap this up and head out to lunch for my Mediterranean Salad with goat cheese and roast chicken.
See? I can't tell what's happening with my metabolism right now. I'm eating only healthy foods, and they're really becoming delicious. Some meals, like this morning, I eat more food than I ever did. But other meals, like last night, I stop halfway through because I'm full. A snack is literally a handful of nuts, and then the hunger is gone. One handful. Granted, I've got big hands, but also granted, they're feeding a big body, and not just from the fat. Large stature.
The thing I notice now, though, is that the low blood sugar moments are gone, but so is anything resembling a buffer between myself and my hunger. There is no gradual onset of hunger. One minute I'm full, the next minute... FEED ME! FEED ME ~NOW~!!! *lol* Well, that's what it feels like. Luckily, the timing is pretty consistent. About four hours after a meal, it's time to eat again. So I usually put one snack between lunch and dinner, and I push dinner back slightly so that by the time I start to approach hunger time I'm sleeping.
And Aquafina's FlavorSplash and the Polar flavored seltzers are godsends for me. Godsends. Don't get me wrong, I actually love ice water and drink it regularly. (My family must now be wondering who the hell I am and what I've done with their soda-only son). But I do like flavor. Too many flavors to sample and enjoy to allow myself to only drink water. The Polar Pomegranata Seltzer is a big favorite of mine. The Pomegranate covers the slight bite of the seltzer and fruits it up a bit, until I almost feel like I'm drinking pure juice. Almost.
Egads, Phase 2 must be like a food playground! Just imagine this diet if I could put maybe a glug or two of actual pomegranate juice into the seltzer. Just enough to color the water slightly. But, oh my.
Gonna try the low fat Ricotta, Splenda & unsweetened cocoa powder "dessert" tonight.
With the almond-flour 'pizza'. Ohhh... time for lunch. ;) More on art later.
I'm noticing that I feel different. I can't put my finger on it, because it's not like I have a ton of abundant energy (wait till the end of March when I get back into the gym and then we'll see all the energy), but I don't have quite as much inertia working against me. If I sit down on the couch, I don't feel like I'm stuck to it anymore. I still complain mentally about having to get up and do chores, but it's nowhere near what it used to be.
I guess that's it. My life has long had an underlying tiredness to it. A weariness which was exacerbated by the depressive bouts. I used to think that the tiredness was just part and parcel of the whole Depression schtick, but now I'm beginning to think that there really is something to the notion of eating well will put you in a better head space.
I do miss pizza, but I found that the ghetto Stop & Shop next door actually sells nut flours (as well as nothing-added nut butters like Peanut Butter and Almond Butter, etc). So I think that when I go grocery shopping tonight, I'll buy a bag of the pure almond flour (nothing but ground almonds) and try making a pizza margherite from sliced tomatoes and goat cheese. Last night I made a tomato-basil-mozz mix for salad, and it was so sweet and nice, I'm going to be reprising that for tonight's salad.
That's another thing. I totally never "got" the whole concept that certain non-carb foods were actually sweet. But lemme tell ya, after just one week I can totally taste how a tomato really *is* a fruit. The sweetness is there. I never would have named tomatoes as being a 'sweet' food, but then I also wouldn't have named peppers or cheese as being 'sweet' either. But this is what life was like for the most part before refined sugars came along. I can only bet what bread is going to taste like next week.
Anyhoo, I was going to chat about art and my project ideas, but for right now I think I'll wrap this up and head out to lunch for my Mediterranean Salad with goat cheese and roast chicken.
See? I can't tell what's happening with my metabolism right now. I'm eating only healthy foods, and they're really becoming delicious. Some meals, like this morning, I eat more food than I ever did. But other meals, like last night, I stop halfway through because I'm full. A snack is literally a handful of nuts, and then the hunger is gone. One handful. Granted, I've got big hands, but also granted, they're feeding a big body, and not just from the fat. Large stature.
The thing I notice now, though, is that the low blood sugar moments are gone, but so is anything resembling a buffer between myself and my hunger. There is no gradual onset of hunger. One minute I'm full, the next minute... FEED ME! FEED ME ~NOW~!!! *lol* Well, that's what it feels like. Luckily, the timing is pretty consistent. About four hours after a meal, it's time to eat again. So I usually put one snack between lunch and dinner, and I push dinner back slightly so that by the time I start to approach hunger time I'm sleeping.
And Aquafina's FlavorSplash and the Polar flavored seltzers are godsends for me. Godsends. Don't get me wrong, I actually love ice water and drink it regularly. (My family must now be wondering who the hell I am and what I've done with their soda-only son). But I do like flavor. Too many flavors to sample and enjoy to allow myself to only drink water. The Polar Pomegranata Seltzer is a big favorite of mine. The Pomegranate covers the slight bite of the seltzer and fruits it up a bit, until I almost feel like I'm drinking pure juice. Almost.
Egads, Phase 2 must be like a food playground! Just imagine this diet if I could put maybe a glug or two of actual pomegranate juice into the seltzer. Just enough to color the water slightly. But, oh my.
Gonna try the low fat Ricotta, Splenda & unsweetened cocoa powder "dessert" tonight.
With the almond-flour 'pizza'. Ohhh... time for lunch. ;) More on art later.
Thursday, March 1, 2007
Secrets 1 - 5
The first secret of Dali's Magic Craftsmanship is rather straightforward. There are five different types of brushes, and he outlines what each brush shape and type is used for. He describes these in terms which match the 'Fat over Lean' rule of oil painting, although his language is a little more colorful. And he describes certain ways of working with each brush.
Very straightforward, until you get to the way he describes using a fan brush (Secret #2) for blending by propping your off arm (being left handed, my off side is my right, but Dali writes from a right-handed worldview) on your off leg which is resting on a springboard so that you can bounce it quickly whilst holding the 'on' arm with your off hand, and allowing only your painting wrist to move, all while bouncing and trying to attain the speed and fluttering of a hummingbird.
Mmm hmmm. I'm not sure where allegory ends and technique begins, so I shall one day have to try this.
Dali also goes into the shape of the stroke that each brush type makes. From a technical point of view, this chapter begs to be returned to and experimented on, because as a single secret, it contains a wealth of technique which must be practiced.
Secret #3 is to pause the passion of creation before beginning so that you may put yourself in the right frame of mind. The kind of pause is the deepest sleep you can attain. "Sleep on it" seems to be the advice. This is pretty much in keeping with sage wisdom of the ages which has nothing to do with painting, but it does establish quite firmly the fact that oil painting is a process where a certain level of patience is called for. That and a painting whose vision will sustain you through the whole process.
Dali further goes on to refine his definition of this kind of sleep by stating that artists need to learn how to use 'slumber with a key'. Essentially, get in a semi-comfortable position and hold something in your hands which will make a loud racket when it is dropped. Then go to sleep. As you relax, you release the object, which falls and makes the racket, and you are now wide awake. That length of time, mere seconds, is the point. You're hitting a 'refresh' button on your brain, not indulging in a luxurious nap.
Here we begin to get "Daliesque". Secret #4 is the slumber of the sea urchins. Dali describes a certain kind of specific meal of seafood which is required, and he singles out a specific type of sea urchin. Presumably this is for the narcotic effects of this particular creature. You then set yourself up to look at your unblemished canvas and to study it serenely, meditating on it almost, with no artificial lights present. Do so for a full afternoon on into the evening just a few minutes past the time that it's too dark to see. You are, essentially, giving yourself the luxury of visualizing the painting which you will embark upon. If a full five hours seems to be too much time, recall that some paintings take excruciating amounts of layers and time to complete, so it is a small amount of time in the extreme.
This reminds me of the athletes and warriors mindset, where a battle or an enterprise is won before you even begin to try. It's acquiring the mindset of the desired result, and getting in the right 'game space', artistically speaking.
Here we begin to enter the bizarre realms, but only slightly. With this secret, Dali begins to have us cast a spell upon ourselves. Or more properly, we've already entered the altered state of consciousness. Now we're supposed to eat a meal of perch and save three of the eyes. (Taking one from your wife's fish with a smile, so sayeth the Master). For western cuisine, we tend not to eat the eyes, so I'm thinking for myself it will be three white marbles instead.
He describes a practice whereby you position two of the eyes so that you 'stereoscope' them together into the optical illusion of one, and you hold the third eye in the Y cleft of your crossed fingers. The point is to fall asleep while being confronted with the fact that your senses are lying to you. Yes, lying. He's aiming for a state of mental dissociation, a sort of mental trance or mental realization that the senses of humans are fallible.
Magically, it makes sense. By that point and time in the process you've built up quite the visualization, and the painting is literally straining to get out. Like putting a nozzle on the garden hose, by restricting things slightly it builds up the creative pressure and the urge of the concept to realize itself in manifestation. It also begins to trick the ego to let go and get the hell out of the way so that the right brain can work without interruptions.
I can relate to what's being aimed at here. There is a brain-wave pattern which I have always associated with "successful" periods of making art. I don't know which greek letter is the proper one to ascribe to those states of mind, but I do know for certain that it happens when you can successfully disengage your Critical mind, your Censor, your Ego, your Left Brain pattern of thinking. And that seems to be what Dali is aiming for, the hypnotic pattern almost where time ceases to be noticed and the channel is opened to the concept coming through. It's that mindset which allows days to go by unnoticed, and is also why many artists have a reputation for not eating... they fail to notice that the body is hungry, because they have stepped out of the way and are allowing creation to happen.
Yeah, I've been there. Not that anyone would accuse me of forgetting to eat. ;)
So far, even with all of the babbling and surrealist writing styles Dali is not completely off of his rocker. Beyond this secret we end up with lots of quotes of babbling folks, but there is a thread of sanity linking them all. He's -not- mad. Not quite, but he definitely lives next door.
Secret 2
Very straightforward, until you get to the way he describes using a fan brush (Secret #2) for blending by propping your off arm (being left handed, my off side is my right, but Dali writes from a right-handed worldview) on your off leg which is resting on a springboard so that you can bounce it quickly whilst holding the 'on' arm with your off hand, and allowing only your painting wrist to move, all while bouncing and trying to attain the speed and fluttering of a hummingbird.
Mmm hmmm. I'm not sure where allegory ends and technique begins, so I shall one day have to try this.
Dali also goes into the shape of the stroke that each brush type makes. From a technical point of view, this chapter begs to be returned to and experimented on, because as a single secret, it contains a wealth of technique which must be practiced.
Secret 3
Secret #3 is to pause the passion of creation before beginning so that you may put yourself in the right frame of mind. The kind of pause is the deepest sleep you can attain. "Sleep on it" seems to be the advice. This is pretty much in keeping with sage wisdom of the ages which has nothing to do with painting, but it does establish quite firmly the fact that oil painting is a process where a certain level of patience is called for. That and a painting whose vision will sustain you through the whole process.
Dali further goes on to refine his definition of this kind of sleep by stating that artists need to learn how to use 'slumber with a key'. Essentially, get in a semi-comfortable position and hold something in your hands which will make a loud racket when it is dropped. Then go to sleep. As you relax, you release the object, which falls and makes the racket, and you are now wide awake. That length of time, mere seconds, is the point. You're hitting a 'refresh' button on your brain, not indulging in a luxurious nap.
Secret 4
Here we begin to get "Daliesque". Secret #4 is the slumber of the sea urchins. Dali describes a certain kind of specific meal of seafood which is required, and he singles out a specific type of sea urchin. Presumably this is for the narcotic effects of this particular creature. You then set yourself up to look at your unblemished canvas and to study it serenely, meditating on it almost, with no artificial lights present. Do so for a full afternoon on into the evening just a few minutes past the time that it's too dark to see. You are, essentially, giving yourself the luxury of visualizing the painting which you will embark upon. If a full five hours seems to be too much time, recall that some paintings take excruciating amounts of layers and time to complete, so it is a small amount of time in the extreme.
This reminds me of the athletes and warriors mindset, where a battle or an enterprise is won before you even begin to try. It's acquiring the mindset of the desired result, and getting in the right 'game space', artistically speaking.
Secret 5
Here we begin to enter the bizarre realms, but only slightly. With this secret, Dali begins to have us cast a spell upon ourselves. Or more properly, we've already entered the altered state of consciousness. Now we're supposed to eat a meal of perch and save three of the eyes. (Taking one from your wife's fish with a smile, so sayeth the Master). For western cuisine, we tend not to eat the eyes, so I'm thinking for myself it will be three white marbles instead.
He describes a practice whereby you position two of the eyes so that you 'stereoscope' them together into the optical illusion of one, and you hold the third eye in the Y cleft of your crossed fingers. The point is to fall asleep while being confronted with the fact that your senses are lying to you. Yes, lying. He's aiming for a state of mental dissociation, a sort of mental trance or mental realization that the senses of humans are fallible.
Magically, it makes sense. By that point and time in the process you've built up quite the visualization, and the painting is literally straining to get out. Like putting a nozzle on the garden hose, by restricting things slightly it builds up the creative pressure and the urge of the concept to realize itself in manifestation. It also begins to trick the ego to let go and get the hell out of the way so that the right brain can work without interruptions.
I can relate to what's being aimed at here. There is a brain-wave pattern which I have always associated with "successful" periods of making art. I don't know which greek letter is the proper one to ascribe to those states of mind, but I do know for certain that it happens when you can successfully disengage your Critical mind, your Censor, your Ego, your Left Brain pattern of thinking. And that seems to be what Dali is aiming for, the hypnotic pattern almost where time ceases to be noticed and the channel is opened to the concept coming through. It's that mindset which allows days to go by unnoticed, and is also why many artists have a reputation for not eating... they fail to notice that the body is hungry, because they have stepped out of the way and are allowing creation to happen.
Yeah, I've been there. Not that anyone would accuse me of forgetting to eat. ;)
So far, even with all of the babbling and surrealist writing styles Dali is not completely off of his rocker. Beyond this secret we end up with lots of quotes of babbling folks, but there is a thread of sanity linking them all. He's -not- mad. Not quite, but he definitely lives next door.
Dali's 50 Secrets of Magic Craftsmanship
It's here! Oh frabjous day! Calloo! Callay! He chortled in his joy.
Yes, Dali's 50 Secrets of Magic Craftsmanship were just handed to me by the kind US Postman delivering Amazon's box o'goodies for me, including ART & FEAR: Observations On the Perils (and Rewards) Of Artmaking, by David Bayles & Ted Orland.
Also arriving today was THE VIEW FROM THE STUDIO DOOR: How Artists Find Their Way In An Uncertain World, by Ted Orland, one of the two authors of ART & FEAR. I have never read it, but I liked Orland's efforts on ART & FEAR, so I figured I'd give him a shot with his followup work.ART & FEAR was a book I owned before, loaned out during the Great Sleep when my artistic side was encouraged to give up and let me be 'normal' with a 'real career'. Alas, like many great books, the loan never returned. But I'm not sad... it means that the word is getting out, and I've got a new copy of my own.
Back to Dali
My old Spanish Professor, Vilma Manzotti, PhD, at the State University of New York at Potsdam College, once chided her class of American students gently about the fact that we knew nothing about how to read a book. All books need to be read starting from the front cover, because there is vital information being missed. The Table of Contents sets out the outline of the work and helps put the reader in the right frame of mind. Dedications can be important, too, sometimes. And Forewords and Prologues all matter, because if they didn't they wouldn't be in the book.
So, with a nod to the wisdom of Vilma, I began at the front cover. Artwork by Dali himself. Pen & ink, thick and bold and fine and scratchy. An angelic figure behind a canvas where an artist is working, other "figures" or vaguely anthropomorphic ink swathes, stand about in various poses. Interesting to me is that the Angel figure, what I interpret as the Muse, is not looking at the painter or the painting, but is instead turning aside and reading a book.
Ahhh, Dali, your sin was that you knew your own greatness.
Inside the front cover we find a color plate of "Portrait of the Back of My Wife Contemplating Architectural Form". Fitting that Gala should make a very early appearance. Another page in we find another pen & ink drawing, "Port Lligat Madonna Help Me", then the Title page where I find that this is a translation.
Ah hah. You know how I said that art seemed now to be gathering to itself all of the component bits of my somewhat disjointed life? I was in Vilma Manzotti's classes for a reason, that being my undergraduate degree is in Spanish Literature. I'll read this through first in English, for the purposes of making an approach to Dali's writings, but I will have to secure a copy for myself in its original Spanish. Luckily, I am fluent in Spanish, and luckily still, I've had great philosophical discussions and dialogues with other academics and my professors about how translations must make a choice... either they have to be true to the literal words and translate as exactly as possible (a very scholarly approach), or else they have to translate the meaning of the text itself and sacrifice the exact language used (a very artistic approach). The best translators can use a little of both, but in every case, whenever you translate something you are completely dependent upon the lens of the translator to make the right choices, to be able to identify and see what is truly important to the text, to the author, and to the potential readers.
Best to always read it in the original language. Which is something the prophet Mohammed knew, and knew well, for he lay down the edict that the Q'ran must only be read or studied in the original language it was written in. Today, we call that Ancient Arabic, and student of the Q'ran must learn how to read it fluently. I'm willking to bet that Dali toyed with the idea, or would have agreed with it philosophically. I never met the man; more's the pity, but if I had to choose between meeting Pablo Picasso or Salvador Dali, I would choose Dali (although I know I might well have been disappointed by the interview, if he would have said more than 2 words to me at all).
Reading On
I do see that there are notes in the edition which tell us that the Dover edition has been slightly altered from the original... Gala's painting was not originally on the inside cover. My print production background tells me that it was cheaper to print the color pieces on the covers instead of putting a signature of color in the middle of the book, so this makes sense.
The other thing they mention is that in the original, Dali's name appeared without any accents, just as I've been writing it for fear of losing the accent in translation across ASCII and Unicode browsers. They put all of the accents in when they reprinted it from the original. DalÃ. Interesting that in Dali's own time they didn't put the accents in... I'm not sure if this was an oversight or a preference of Dali's. More research would be needed, but I'm working on other things.
Dedication
Dedication follows, where Dali describes what he wanted at each of the decades of his life, and how things have grown. He also describes his mission "Now at forty-five" as being to paint a masterpiece so that he can save Modern Art from chaos and laziness. He swears he will succeed.
It's an interesting thing, really. Dali is known and talked about as a man of tremendous arrogance and ego. I'm not so certain it's completely undeserved, and that must be difficult to live with when you just want to wipe the smirk off of the man's moustachioed face.
Then follows a list of all of the 50 secrets with their titles, numbers, and page references. It begins with "1. The secret of the five different movements of the five types of brushes." and it ends with "50. The secret of the angel." Now, oddly enough, my mind is immediately drawn back to the front cover. I want to get to 50 because I suspect that he's alluding to the angel on the cover.
In skimming through the secrets, I see lots of references to weird and obscure things. Some of them jump out at me, though. Like this one. "19. The secret of learning to paint before knowing how to draw." Well, if the title alone is indicative (I highly doubt it's the whole shebang) then this one speaks directly to me. I don't yet consider that I know how to draw. Yet it's heartening to see that this might actually be a good thing, at least according to Dali.
Prologue and Quintessence
Stray comments about Dali having been at least passingly familiar with the occult from Guru Dave begin to draw attention to certain passages. Basically, Dali is setting down his parameters for what makes the artist great, and he says that it's the point of the book, which is revealed at the end in two lines. "...he will find it exactly in the last two lines of this book." Lines? Or lines? Word or sketch, I'm keeping my mind very open.
But it's a good point. I remarked to Dave that I pass by a fine art gallery in South Norwalk every day, and they regularly change out the paintings that they have in the front display to try and entice folks to come in. I've already seen that some of the works seem to have captured something of the spirit in them, while others seem to be merely color studies of various subjects in pretty frames. Some seem to be art, others seem to be paint on a canvas. Perhaps Dali will give me a better vocabulary to make my explanations from.
We shall see.
And now, on to the rest of the book.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Materials Lesson Notes: Oil Paint
One of the cool things we covered this weekend was Materials lessons. Starting from Old Holland pigments, I made my own paint. The materials used were Old Holland pigments, frosted glass, palette knives, and two different sized glass mullers (to grind/mix with), along with some Linseed oil, cold pressed. Take a look as Dave demonstrates.
Initial mixing of the pigment and the linseed oil. Really, the process is very simple. It's more a matter of knowing the consistency to take, and having control over the amounts of the medium and the pigment ratio. We did a single-pigment paint, a native pigment color, but by mixing and adding in different pigments in different quantities, you produce different colors.
Use the muller in a circular motion, grinding from the middle to the outside. Then use your palette knives to scrape the paint back into the middle. Add the oil in small doses, with an eye on attaining the right viscosity and body. There will be some variation in this depending on what you're using the paint for. (Impasto techniques will want to be much stiffer.)
It's up to the artist and the need for the work, but this is the general consistency that we wanted. For those who are skilled at cooking, you want to get these nice stiff meringue-like peaks when you pull the muller away from the grinding glass.
When done, use the palette knife to load the paint into the empty tubes (sold that way). Make sure they're good for oil paints (nothing wonky coating the inner part of the metal) and tamp it down to be sure that no bubbles are in the tube. Then gently close the end and crimp it with a metal crimper (always use the metal crimper for the oil paints). Roll it slightly to give it the finished look, and then note the color and medium and date on the tube.
And yes, this is Guru Dave himself.
Initial mixing of the pigment and the linseed oil. Really, the process is very simple. It's more a matter of knowing the consistency to take, and having control over the amounts of the medium and the pigment ratio. We did a single-pigment paint, a native pigment color, but by mixing and adding in different pigments in different quantities, you produce different colors.
Use the muller in a circular motion, grinding from the middle to the outside. Then use your palette knives to scrape the paint back into the middle. Add the oil in small doses, with an eye on attaining the right viscosity and body. There will be some variation in this depending on what you're using the paint for. (Impasto techniques will want to be much stiffer.)
It's up to the artist and the need for the work, but this is the general consistency that we wanted. For those who are skilled at cooking, you want to get these nice stiff meringue-like peaks when you pull the muller away from the grinding glass.
When done, use the palette knife to load the paint into the empty tubes (sold that way). Make sure they're good for oil paints (nothing wonky coating the inner part of the metal) and tamp it down to be sure that no bubbles are in the tube. Then gently close the end and crimp it with a metal crimper (always use the metal crimper for the oil paints). Roll it slightly to give it the finished look, and then note the color and medium and date on the tube.
And yes, this is Guru Dave himself.
Some art
I figure that after all of this talking, I should start showing. Thousand words and all. This is my first foray into working with colored pencils. Using Lyra Rembrandt and Caran D'Ache colored pencils because they both contain an oil-based binder (as opposed to wax) and working on a special flocked paper which has quite a nice tooth to it.I really enjoy working with the method of building up the colors. The stonework was fun. It's just a scratch pad, more or less, but there it is.
This is an example of the Grid Technique, something which should be intimately familiar to any art student today. Utilizing the grid to break apart the target image into smaller bits that you then put together as the whole... well, this is in progress. I'll photo the "finished" piece and post it later. I started working in a 2B graphite stick, then after I was done with the figure I went back into the piece with an eraser, my 2B, and my 4B graphite. I erased the grid lines inside the figure, and I made some artistic choices and changes to the piece. I then tried to 'unify' the value scale, so that the darkness of the skin tones match the darkness of the brow, etc. Making all the values fall into place. Tougher than it looks, actually. I'd love to do a grid piece with colored pencils on that flocked paper. Not just value but color and tone as well.
The Journey Continues
Well, this past weekend was quite educational. Working with Dave in his studios was fun, but there is effort involved. It's like an athlete training for a marathon... you stretch the artistic chops a little bit further each time and then the rest is repetition and practice, and keeping your head in the game.
I've always felt like I had some significant gaps in my skillset whenever it came to anything resembling the arts. Even back in the New Paltz ceramics studio with Mary Roehm (*sigh*) I was talking a good game of filling in the gaps in my art education. Unfortunately, that wasn't the kind of nurturing space or the right audience for it then, and I probably wasn't ready for the kind of efforts which are involved in backtracking on skillsets.
Come to think of it, that was pretty common for a while. I could sense that there was something I was missing, something that needed to be filled in, some gaps that needed closing in my education (whether it was in the music world of clarinet performance, ceramics, Spanish Literature, and yes quite frankly, Graphic Design) but there was never any way for me to actually fill them in. I think it was a good deal of me just not being in the right head and heartspace, but I also think that it was a lack of a decent teacher, too.
Aside from being 10+ years later, what I find that has changed is that as Dave presents each technique, I feel like a gap is filled and closed. I'm beginning to see the 'middle part' which is putting it all together. He was showing me colored pencil sketching this weekend and put a color down on the paper which was rather clashing and out there, but I could see that it was a color which 'bridged' two others in the composition. It might have looked very much out of place, but the tiny spots of that color were halfway between the base color and the background color. The result was that it helped to tie the sketch together tighter and helped to unify the overall underlying tone.
But see, I get that because you can play similar tricks in design. CRAP principle. Contrast, Repetition, Alignment, and Proximity. Those are the four cornerstones of design, which in painting gets called 'composition'. It sort of applies to color. In its own weird 'makes sense to Adam' way.
It's a good pairing for me to be Dave Gulotta's apprentice. It's one on one training, there's plenty of space for independent exploration in the time between training weekends, and he seems to understand intuitively the kind of teaching I need. I think I'm a peculiar mix. Advanced in certain areas, woefully unprepared in others.
Well, of course not to become a Dutch Master. I'm not Dutch. ;)
But we're now beginning to approach learning how to paint in the method and using the techniques which were pioneered and perfected by the Dutch Masters. Vermeer. Egads, if I can get halfway toward Vermeer by the time I turn 99 I will have succeeded in these creative endeavors beyond my wildest expectations. Odd that I'm crowing about Vermeer when until last month I had never heard of him before. But Vermeer is phenomenal for his work, yet almost nothing is known about him.
So the first stage of this project is to select a concept. This is the deliberate style of painting. Everything planned, worked out, and constructed slowly. Deliberately. With care, with time, and with patience. Patience I think is going to be the key to making any sort of progress within the world of oil painting. Letting the materials be what they need to be.
And I don't know... there's some kind of inner resonance to the Dutch Masters style. If an Art Historian reads this they'll probably roll their eyes or cringe at my sheer ignorance of Art History terms and concepts... one step at a time, folks. Besides, I'm not learning how to talk about it... I'm learning how they did it, so that I can do it, and so that I can learn how to adapt those techniques for myself. Dali's secrets... first learn to paint like the masters, and from that point on you will be able to do whatever it is you want.
Back to the inner resonance. Dave handed me a concept pad and told me to write down the stages of the construction of a Dutch Masters style painting. As he was dictating them to me, I began to feel a rush of emotional identification with the process. THIS was oil painting. THIS to me was what I had been missing – the steps of construction.
It's so strange to me to describe it. I knew (oy, did I know) that this was a colossal amount of effort involved, but I also know that it's this amount of control, this deliberateness which is going to fill some kind of inner need. The need to be able to be deliberate. Yes, I'm happy to experiment with freedom. I'll be happy to paint a la prima, I'll be happy to work impressionistic. But this... this is the idea of what painting is that I've been carrying around with me all a priori-like.
Not just from the amount of effort, but rather because it's a plan which is incredibly comprehensive. It's that comprehensive approach which is enticing. Suddenly, the old classical hierarchy of the arts asserts itself again. Charcoal, pen and ink, ink washes, even pastels... all as the means to work out the details and capture the spirit of the subject. To work through the process of selection, of research and refinement. Yet still remaining firmly in the world of art, where happy accidents are the keys to brilliance, and where the subject matters more than the intention behind it... the interplay of desire and serendipity, the ability to utilize the moment yet still prolong the process over the course that -it- needs to take... yes.
Yes, this is where art is calling for me right now. I'm so absolutely thrilled with this idea that I'm already resolved to complete this project. I guess only three of the apprentices thus far have done so. After hearing the 'broad strokes' stages of constructing this painting, I can totally understand why. When in the midst of labor-intensive steps you write the step "REPEAT AS NEEDED" and then bracket off a good 5 or 6 of those labor intensive steps... well, let's just say that it's a bit daunting.
But it's also a bit envigorating. The concept needs to be strong enough to carry interest, vital enough to engage the artist (let alone the viewers) all throughout the process.
Not to put undue pressure. I'm not. I'm psyching up, not psyching out. I give myself full permission to make mistakes, to change my mind, to be responsive as I need to be.
Ah well. What a grand adventure this is going to be! And I'm happy to share some good news on the blog that started out as more of a testimony of depression.
I've always felt like I had some significant gaps in my skillset whenever it came to anything resembling the arts. Even back in the New Paltz ceramics studio with Mary Roehm (*sigh*) I was talking a good game of filling in the gaps in my art education. Unfortunately, that wasn't the kind of nurturing space or the right audience for it then, and I probably wasn't ready for the kind of efforts which are involved in backtracking on skillsets.
Come to think of it, that was pretty common for a while. I could sense that there was something I was missing, something that needed to be filled in, some gaps that needed closing in my education (whether it was in the music world of clarinet performance, ceramics, Spanish Literature, and yes quite frankly, Graphic Design) but there was never any way for me to actually fill them in. I think it was a good deal of me just not being in the right head and heartspace, but I also think that it was a lack of a decent teacher, too.
What's different now
Aside from being 10+ years later, what I find that has changed is that as Dave presents each technique, I feel like a gap is filled and closed. I'm beginning to see the 'middle part' which is putting it all together. He was showing me colored pencil sketching this weekend and put a color down on the paper which was rather clashing and out there, but I could see that it was a color which 'bridged' two others in the composition. It might have looked very much out of place, but the tiny spots of that color were halfway between the base color and the background color. The result was that it helped to tie the sketch together tighter and helped to unify the overall underlying tone.
But see, I get that because you can play similar tricks in design. CRAP principle. Contrast, Repetition, Alignment, and Proximity. Those are the four cornerstones of design, which in painting gets called 'composition'. It sort of applies to color. In its own weird 'makes sense to Adam' way.
It's a good pairing for me to be Dave Gulotta's apprentice. It's one on one training, there's plenty of space for independent exploration in the time between training weekends, and he seems to understand intuitively the kind of teaching I need. I think I'm a peculiar mix. Advanced in certain areas, woefully unprepared in others.
Dutch Masters painting project
Well, of course not to become a Dutch Master. I'm not Dutch. ;)
But we're now beginning to approach learning how to paint in the method and using the techniques which were pioneered and perfected by the Dutch Masters. Vermeer. Egads, if I can get halfway toward Vermeer by the time I turn 99 I will have succeeded in these creative endeavors beyond my wildest expectations. Odd that I'm crowing about Vermeer when until last month I had never heard of him before. But Vermeer is phenomenal for his work, yet almost nothing is known about him.
So the first stage of this project is to select a concept. This is the deliberate style of painting. Everything planned, worked out, and constructed slowly. Deliberately. With care, with time, and with patience. Patience I think is going to be the key to making any sort of progress within the world of oil painting. Letting the materials be what they need to be.
And I don't know... there's some kind of inner resonance to the Dutch Masters style. If an Art Historian reads this they'll probably roll their eyes or cringe at my sheer ignorance of Art History terms and concepts... one step at a time, folks. Besides, I'm not learning how to talk about it... I'm learning how they did it, so that I can do it, and so that I can learn how to adapt those techniques for myself. Dali's secrets... first learn to paint like the masters, and from that point on you will be able to do whatever it is you want.
Inner resonance
Back to the inner resonance. Dave handed me a concept pad and told me to write down the stages of the construction of a Dutch Masters style painting. As he was dictating them to me, I began to feel a rush of emotional identification with the process. THIS was oil painting. THIS to me was what I had been missing – the steps of construction.
It's so strange to me to describe it. I knew (oy, did I know) that this was a colossal amount of effort involved, but I also know that it's this amount of control, this deliberateness which is going to fill some kind of inner need. The need to be able to be deliberate. Yes, I'm happy to experiment with freedom. I'll be happy to paint a la prima, I'll be happy to work impressionistic. But this... this is the idea of what painting is that I've been carrying around with me all a priori-like.
Not just from the amount of effort, but rather because it's a plan which is incredibly comprehensive. It's that comprehensive approach which is enticing. Suddenly, the old classical hierarchy of the arts asserts itself again. Charcoal, pen and ink, ink washes, even pastels... all as the means to work out the details and capture the spirit of the subject. To work through the process of selection, of research and refinement. Yet still remaining firmly in the world of art, where happy accidents are the keys to brilliance, and where the subject matters more than the intention behind it... the interplay of desire and serendipity, the ability to utilize the moment yet still prolong the process over the course that -it- needs to take... yes.
Yes, this is where art is calling for me right now. I'm so absolutely thrilled with this idea that I'm already resolved to complete this project. I guess only three of the apprentices thus far have done so. After hearing the 'broad strokes' stages of constructing this painting, I can totally understand why. When in the midst of labor-intensive steps you write the step "REPEAT AS NEEDED" and then bracket off a good 5 or 6 of those labor intensive steps... well, let's just say that it's a bit daunting.
Concept is king
But it's also a bit envigorating. The concept needs to be strong enough to carry interest, vital enough to engage the artist (let alone the viewers) all throughout the process.
Not to put undue pressure. I'm not. I'm psyching up, not psyching out. I give myself full permission to make mistakes, to change my mind, to be responsive as I need to be.
Ah well. What a grand adventure this is going to be! And I'm happy to share some good news on the blog that started out as more of a testimony of depression.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
One from the road
It's Sunday morning and I'm at Gulotta Studios in PA, finishing up the latest apprenticeship weekend. For those who are interested in seeing some of "Guru Dave's" work, you can check out his studio homepage at www.gulotta-studios.com.
In the time since my last blog post, much has been going on in my life. The major bout of depression lifted, and as the smoke continues to clear from that a lot of things have clicked into place to lead to a new perspective on life, art, me, etc. I begin to seriously think that this past depressive episode, which honestly was the most intense for the most prolonged that I think I've had (since I knew what these "fits" were) -- well, this past bout that I like to call "January" was the end of a major life cycle and the starting of a new one.
For example, I find myself working as a freelance agent for Creatives and being in a job with tremendous earning potential, a cushy setup with my boss, and the flexibility and free time to work from home some days, leave early others, set my own hours, etc. I find myself working in fine art once more, and this time all of my life experiences are beginning to come together. I'm old enough to be able to look at this with a kind of wisdom and maturity for long range planning, and at the same time I'm enjoying myself enough to let the pursuit of fine art be its own immediate reward for myself.
It's just kind of amazing. I guess I'm "ready" for this next stage, and I really do think that the seeds for the next major portion of my life have been planted and watered and are now beginning to sprout.
Anyway, I brought my digital camera this time to begin to add more of interest to this blog for other artists. I'm not going to be trying to teach anyone, but I do want to document my journey in this amazing, fascinating world. Look for more photos, including some of my homework and 'practice' projects.
I guess in a real way this blog is mostly for myself, but I really am confident that in the long run this is going to be a wonderful record of the journey. I guess there was a reason for me becoming a Graphic Designer and being taught how to write by the talented Rosemary Edghill after all. ;)
Time for breakfast and then back into the studio for wrap up and homework review, then the long trek home.
In the time since my last blog post, much has been going on in my life. The major bout of depression lifted, and as the smoke continues to clear from that a lot of things have clicked into place to lead to a new perspective on life, art, me, etc. I begin to seriously think that this past depressive episode, which honestly was the most intense for the most prolonged that I think I've had (since I knew what these "fits" were) -- well, this past bout that I like to call "January" was the end of a major life cycle and the starting of a new one.
For example, I find myself working as a freelance agent for Creatives and being in a job with tremendous earning potential, a cushy setup with my boss, and the flexibility and free time to work from home some days, leave early others, set my own hours, etc. I find myself working in fine art once more, and this time all of my life experiences are beginning to come together. I'm old enough to be able to look at this with a kind of wisdom and maturity for long range planning, and at the same time I'm enjoying myself enough to let the pursuit of fine art be its own immediate reward for myself.
It's just kind of amazing. I guess I'm "ready" for this next stage, and I really do think that the seeds for the next major portion of my life have been planted and watered and are now beginning to sprout.
Anyway, I brought my digital camera this time to begin to add more of interest to this blog for other artists. I'm not going to be trying to teach anyone, but I do want to document my journey in this amazing, fascinating world. Look for more photos, including some of my homework and 'practice' projects.
I guess in a real way this blog is mostly for myself, but I really am confident that in the long run this is going to be a wonderful record of the journey. I guess there was a reason for me becoming a Graphic Designer and being taught how to write by the talented Rosemary Edghill after all. ;)
Time for breakfast and then back into the studio for wrap up and homework review, then the long trek home.
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
Tidal Shift
Right on time. At about 5:30pm yesterday the energy tides shifted for me, and I'm sure that my recent prolonged bout of depression (what shall hereafter be remembered simply as "January") finally ceasing also added to the sensation. Imbolc or Candlemas came in, and with it the edge of winter is gone.
There's been a kind of relentless psychic pressure going on since late September. While the sun was still shining past 6pm amid days of unusually high temperatures that late in the season, the ebb of the year began to make itself known, and known with a vengeance. Whether from the tide of battles long distant yet echoing through the astral, or just a particularly harsh seasonal variance, witches were muttering all across the country. Giving a shudder here and there for no reason amid the golden late summer.
But autumn was muted this year. As the leaves turned they went quickly to brown, quickly down, quickly beyond the brilliance that you sometimes get, and right into that wan and faded stage. Perhaps a symptom for whatever it is we just passed through. There's still clouds... always clouds, especially for us pendulum people... but the season shifted. And my own inner weather front broke finally, too, so I'm sure that's heightening my own sensitivity in the matter.
And anyhow, it's passed. Whomever's battle it was this time, they got it done. I don't know what that means, but I have to trust that it means something good, if it means anything at all.
Oh, I picked up some art supplies from Jerry's Artarama yesterday. Couple of Newsprint pads (small ones) meant for my Richter Boxes, and a 12 pk of graphite sticks, assorted hardnesses from 2B down to 9B. Ink for my Rapidograph set-- note to self, clean that out tonight to be ready for the weekend when I'll do the grid assignment, or a serious beginning to it.
The most excellent news of all? They carry Old Holland oils -and- watercolors. Master Guru Dave trusts them to be archival, and I'm all for the method of testing the oils. (They paint 2 boards in a color and put one in hermetic sealing and one they expose to sunlight... for 50 YEARS. Then they take the sealed board and compare the sun-exposed board, to ensure that they're the same color. If there's any variance at all after 50 years, they mark the color as being 'fugitive', if they'll manufacture it at all.... Gotta love those standards.)
They also have a table easel for dirt cheap. I know, I know... maybe there's a reason the Renoir table easel is marked down about $100, but to be honest I need something basic for right now. I can't afford to invest that much all at once. I need to space this out over a little while. So each week I'll put some money into oil paints to get a set of colors ready and start working through.
I tell ya, too... the lines practice I did last night sucked ass. Being away from the page for so long really does show in the technique. This is training muscular control, so it takes continual repetition and sustained practice. Can't cheat... clowns will eat me.
There's been a kind of relentless psychic pressure going on since late September. While the sun was still shining past 6pm amid days of unusually high temperatures that late in the season, the ebb of the year began to make itself known, and known with a vengeance. Whether from the tide of battles long distant yet echoing through the astral, or just a particularly harsh seasonal variance, witches were muttering all across the country. Giving a shudder here and there for no reason amid the golden late summer.
But autumn was muted this year. As the leaves turned they went quickly to brown, quickly down, quickly beyond the brilliance that you sometimes get, and right into that wan and faded stage. Perhaps a symptom for whatever it is we just passed through. There's still clouds... always clouds, especially for us pendulum people... but the season shifted. And my own inner weather front broke finally, too, so I'm sure that's heightening my own sensitivity in the matter.
And anyhow, it's passed. Whomever's battle it was this time, they got it done. I don't know what that means, but I have to trust that it means something good, if it means anything at all.
Oh, I picked up some art supplies from Jerry's Artarama yesterday. Couple of Newsprint pads (small ones) meant for my Richter Boxes, and a 12 pk of graphite sticks, assorted hardnesses from 2B down to 9B. Ink for my Rapidograph set-- note to self, clean that out tonight to be ready for the weekend when I'll do the grid assignment, or a serious beginning to it.
The most excellent news of all? They carry Old Holland oils -and- watercolors. Master Guru Dave trusts them to be archival, and I'm all for the method of testing the oils. (They paint 2 boards in a color and put one in hermetic sealing and one they expose to sunlight... for 50 YEARS. Then they take the sealed board and compare the sun-exposed board, to ensure that they're the same color. If there's any variance at all after 50 years, they mark the color as being 'fugitive', if they'll manufacture it at all.... Gotta love those standards.)
They also have a table easel for dirt cheap. I know, I know... maybe there's a reason the Renoir table easel is marked down about $100, but to be honest I need something basic for right now. I can't afford to invest that much all at once. I need to space this out over a little while. So each week I'll put some money into oil paints to get a set of colors ready and start working through.
I tell ya, too... the lines practice I did last night sucked ass. Being away from the page for so long really does show in the technique. This is training muscular control, so it takes continual repetition and sustained practice. Can't cheat... clowns will eat me.
Thursday, February 1, 2007
The Audacity
I work as a headhunter/recruiter/employment agent for Creative industries in Southern Connecticut. I meet with a lot of folks, and I try to help them find jobs or get settled in the industry.
In the course of telling one of my candidates whom I haven't heard from in a while about a possible job opportunity she'd be a good match for, I got some news about some rather upsetting practices by one of the design firms in Stamford. I won't name names here, because libel gets pretty ugly and the courts don't distinguish between libel that's true and libel that's not. More's the pity.
My candidate, who I'll call Entry-level Jen (names changed to protect the victim), applied for a job with SSC ("Said Stamford Company", for convenience, also a fictitious name and abbreviation). She went to the job interview, met with everyone, met with senior designers, etc. etc. Took hours. A bit unusual given the length of the interview, but all in all a very positive sign for her. If they're taking the time to show you around to the different head designers and senior art directors, you've got promise. So far, so good. Remember, gentle readers, Jen approached this company on her own - I guarantee you had she gone through an agency they would have put a stop to the nonsense immediately.
SSC then tells Jen, "We need to evaluate your skills. Please come back tomorrow for a couple of proficiency tests." In and of itself, this is not a problem. It's poor time planning not to have the applicant take any such tests right then and there, but when hiring someone for specific skillsets it's a good idea to get a sense of what they can actually do vs. what they stuck in their portfolio. Again, not the problem.
But the actual problem was this: the "tests" included working for them from 9am-7pm for THREE DAYS. During this time, Jen did not take part in tests meant to evaluate her skills, but rather she was given a computer and told to do various designs and projects. Were these projects which had been assembled from old files in order to see how her solutions to the graphics problems compared to those that actually went to press? NO. These jobs were -LIVE JOBS-. They were actual work that SSC was doing as part of their push to get an annual report done for a paying client.
Let me reiterate that: SSC was using Jen's "interview" as an excuse to get her to do work and provide designs for FREE which they in turn tried to pass off to their actual client. She received no money. No compensation. No guarantees. What she did do, actually, was get told that she needed to sign a release form which guaranteed that SSC got full rights to the designs that she created during her "test".
This isn't just a mistake made by an overeager HR/Recruiter trying to satisfy demanding internal line managers. The fact that SSC specifically required Jen sign a waiver is the clincher for premeditation. This is an abusive practive. They robbed her of goods and services under false pretenses. When she wrote to inquire about the job, they told her that their client still hadn't gotten back to them and they would call her to let her know.
Mmm hmmm. Suuuuuuuuuure they will.
If by any chance someone trying to break into Graphic Design reads this entry in the blog, PLEASE learn -right now- that ANY job interview which requires you to work FOR FREE on LIVE JOBS from which the agency is going to make a PROFIT is robbing you at psychological gunpoint. The advertising agency world DOES NOT OPERATE THIS WAY.
If by any chance someone from, oh, say, SSC's real company reads this... you should be ashamed of yourself. Just who did you think you were fooling by this pathetic charade? Yourself, obviously, since you don't seem to quite understand just how -small- the Graphic Design industry is outside of Manhattan. I've already taken steps to drop a word to the wise in the ears of all of my friends on the recruiting circuit. Word is going to get out, so hopefully no one else will fall victim to the same abuse and theft.
Any time a designer is asked to be on site for any kind of work purposes, they need to be getting paid. Any time a designer is doing work for someone else's paying client, they need to be getting paid. I'm not lying to you when I say that 3 days worth of work from a talented designer can get close to $1500, especially freelance going direct to a company. (You might have to wait 90 days after the project is completed to get paid, and you'll have to pay your own taxes & FICA out of it, but figure $500/day is about normal for guesstimates.) Suddenly that's not such a small thing to be robbing from someone, is it?
Well, Jen is chagrinned but has learned from the experience. We'll see what comes of grassroots advocacy. "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but if SSC didn't want the negative press they shouldn't have engaged in the unethical interview practices."
In the course of telling one of my candidates whom I haven't heard from in a while about a possible job opportunity she'd be a good match for, I got some news about some rather upsetting practices by one of the design firms in Stamford. I won't name names here, because libel gets pretty ugly and the courts don't distinguish between libel that's true and libel that's not. More's the pity.
My candidate, who I'll call Entry-level Jen (names changed to protect the victim), applied for a job with SSC ("Said Stamford Company", for convenience, also a fictitious name and abbreviation). She went to the job interview, met with everyone, met with senior designers, etc. etc. Took hours. A bit unusual given the length of the interview, but all in all a very positive sign for her. If they're taking the time to show you around to the different head designers and senior art directors, you've got promise. So far, so good. Remember, gentle readers, Jen approached this company on her own - I guarantee you had she gone through an agency they would have put a stop to the nonsense immediately.
SSC then tells Jen, "We need to evaluate your skills. Please come back tomorrow for a couple of proficiency tests." In and of itself, this is not a problem. It's poor time planning not to have the applicant take any such tests right then and there, but when hiring someone for specific skillsets it's a good idea to get a sense of what they can actually do vs. what they stuck in their portfolio. Again, not the problem.
Theft of Professional Services!
But the actual problem was this: the "tests" included working for them from 9am-7pm for THREE DAYS. During this time, Jen did not take part in tests meant to evaluate her skills, but rather she was given a computer and told to do various designs and projects. Were these projects which had been assembled from old files in order to see how her solutions to the graphics problems compared to those that actually went to press? NO. These jobs were -LIVE JOBS-. They were actual work that SSC was doing as part of their push to get an annual report done for a paying client.
Let me reiterate that: SSC was using Jen's "interview" as an excuse to get her to do work and provide designs for FREE which they in turn tried to pass off to their actual client. She received no money. No compensation. No guarantees. What she did do, actually, was get told that she needed to sign a release form which guaranteed that SSC got full rights to the designs that she created during her "test".
This isn't just a mistake made by an overeager HR/Recruiter trying to satisfy demanding internal line managers. The fact that SSC specifically required Jen sign a waiver is the clincher for premeditation. This is an abusive practive. They robbed her of goods and services under false pretenses. When she wrote to inquire about the job, they told her that their client still hadn't gotten back to them and they would call her to let her know.
Mmm hmmm. Suuuuuuuuuure they will.
If by any chance someone trying to break into Graphic Design reads this entry in the blog, PLEASE learn -right now- that ANY job interview which requires you to work FOR FREE on LIVE JOBS from which the agency is going to make a PROFIT is robbing you at psychological gunpoint. The advertising agency world DOES NOT OPERATE THIS WAY.
If by any chance someone from, oh, say, SSC's real company reads this... you should be ashamed of yourself. Just who did you think you were fooling by this pathetic charade? Yourself, obviously, since you don't seem to quite understand just how -small- the Graphic Design industry is outside of Manhattan. I've already taken steps to drop a word to the wise in the ears of all of my friends on the recruiting circuit. Word is going to get out, so hopefully no one else will fall victim to the same abuse and theft.
Any time a designer is asked to be on site for any kind of work purposes, they need to be getting paid. Any time a designer is doing work for someone else's paying client, they need to be getting paid. I'm not lying to you when I say that 3 days worth of work from a talented designer can get close to $1500, especially freelance going direct to a company. (You might have to wait 90 days after the project is completed to get paid, and you'll have to pay your own taxes & FICA out of it, but figure $500/day is about normal for guesstimates.) Suddenly that's not such a small thing to be robbing from someone, is it?
Well, Jen is chagrinned but has learned from the experience. We'll see what comes of grassroots advocacy. "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but if SSC didn't want the negative press they shouldn't have engaged in the unethical interview practices."
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
More analysis of depression as an affliction
Sounds like the title for a bad psychology 101 paper. Heh. I guess that's one benchmark for sucess in this culture - if you can't inspire brilliance, at least get a disorder named after you on your way out, right?
I've been trying to think of how come I can detach sometimes from the depression and look at it analytically, and then other times it's just too much and I can't sit back and separate it out. You know what the one consistent factor is? Sunlight.
Yep, sunlight. When it's sunny out or I'm sitting by a window and getting lots of direct and indirect sunlight, I feel perfectly fine. Normal, even. Sure, the depression can be raging around inside my mind, but it gets much thinner and quieter in the sunlight. I don't think that happy lights do the same thing. I think that I need to be in a well-lit area during the wintertime.
Well, at least it's a simple solution, but the problem is that I don't get enough of it in the wintertime and there's nothing to be done about that when the sun has set each night. But at least in my current job I get to sit right by a window and look out at the sunlight each day.
Hey, I'm counting my positives and blessings. It's not that I'm stuck in despair, but I just need to figure out how to get myself motivated and in motion again. Funny thing, that... with motion comes stability. Momentum will overcome slight bumps in the road. If I can build up enough momentum it makes the path seem straighter. Like attaining aerodynamics through rifling a bullet (so it spins as it flies).
Those are my thoughts on the matter. We'll see if they bear out.
I've been trying to think of how come I can detach sometimes from the depression and look at it analytically, and then other times it's just too much and I can't sit back and separate it out. You know what the one consistent factor is? Sunlight.
Yep, sunlight. When it's sunny out or I'm sitting by a window and getting lots of direct and indirect sunlight, I feel perfectly fine. Normal, even. Sure, the depression can be raging around inside my mind, but it gets much thinner and quieter in the sunlight. I don't think that happy lights do the same thing. I think that I need to be in a well-lit area during the wintertime.
Well, at least it's a simple solution, but the problem is that I don't get enough of it in the wintertime and there's nothing to be done about that when the sun has set each night. But at least in my current job I get to sit right by a window and look out at the sunlight each day.
Hey, I'm counting my positives and blessings. It's not that I'm stuck in despair, but I just need to figure out how to get myself motivated and in motion again. Funny thing, that... with motion comes stability. Momentum will overcome slight bumps in the road. If I can build up enough momentum it makes the path seem straighter. Like attaining aerodynamics through rifling a bullet (so it spins as it flies).
Those are my thoughts on the matter. We'll see if they bear out.
Back in the saddle again
Depression is a bitch. A bitch, bitch-itty, bitch-bitch-bitch.
Let's just say that the last few days have been tolerable and pleasant by comparison with those endured earlier, but that I wouldn't wish this kind of crap on my enemies. Well, not chronically, at any rate. It's time to get back into the saddle again with regard to meds and doctors and mood altering substances of the legal, economically viable sort.
I'm actually fine and out of the "Gods, I just want to die and the world to go away and something to be -easy- for a change," stage, but lately I've been languishing in the "I'm making an effort, be happy with what you've got" stage. I don't feel despair, but I do live it constantly.
*sigh* I just found out that all of my files are somehow missing from my computer's shared folder. All of my candidates are gone from the hard drive. Sucks to be me.
More later.
Let's just say that the last few days have been tolerable and pleasant by comparison with those endured earlier, but that I wouldn't wish this kind of crap on my enemies. Well, not chronically, at any rate. It's time to get back into the saddle again with regard to meds and doctors and mood altering substances of the legal, economically viable sort.
I'm actually fine and out of the "Gods, I just want to die and the world to go away and something to be -easy- for a change," stage, but lately I've been languishing in the "I'm making an effort, be happy with what you've got" stage. I don't feel despair, but I do live it constantly.
*sigh* I just found out that all of my files are somehow missing from my computer's shared folder. All of my candidates are gone from the hard drive. Sucks to be me.
More later.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Road to Recovery
It's been a hell of a week, but I'm finally beginning to get back up into the healthy ranges of emotional variance again, instead of stuck down in the depths of despair. It's snowing lightly outside of work, and I've got a late appointment happening tonight at 6pm. Just interviewed someone who had very unreasonable expectations for salaries and parroted back all of my own recent questions to me. Should she stick this out or jump to another career path? Is it just a phase or is this a greater trend?
Had a call with an old manager and a competitor yesterday... in chatting about the industry he told me that my old supervisor has just posted excellent results and returns for January. *shrug* It's not a competition. I'm still recruiting and doing well, so I'm not worried. It's just a further commentary on how different a mindset I've got.
I noticed that one of my favorite shirts is now threadbare and with broken buttons today. Unfortunately the shirt is black so the threadbare part wasn't noticed until I was already here in the office. To cover it over I've put on my indoor fleece which keeps me warm. Even with the office heat on and toasty elsewhere, my desk sits me by a window and I'm constantly chilled here, so it's not unusual for me to wear the fleece.
I want to get HM's materials over to PM for presentation today. I think she'd be a good fit there, and they have an opening, so let's put da lime in da coconut.
Had a call with an old manager and a competitor yesterday... in chatting about the industry he told me that my old supervisor has just posted excellent results and returns for January. *shrug* It's not a competition. I'm still recruiting and doing well, so I'm not worried. It's just a further commentary on how different a mindset I've got.
I noticed that one of my favorite shirts is now threadbare and with broken buttons today. Unfortunately the shirt is black so the threadbare part wasn't noticed until I was already here in the office. To cover it over I've put on my indoor fleece which keeps me warm. Even with the office heat on and toasty elsewhere, my desk sits me by a window and I'm constantly chilled here, so it's not unusual for me to wear the fleece.
I want to get HM's materials over to PM for presentation today. I think she'd be a good fit there, and they have an opening, so let's put da lime in da coconut.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Big Trouble from Desperation
Yesterday I had a minor breakdown. I left work 2 hours early and dropped an email to my boss saying that we had to talk, the job wasn't working out the way I needed it to, should I go back to freelancing, yaddi yaddi yadda. I went home and just broke down and lost it, told my husband I thought I'd be better off if I could just lay down and die right now, said that I couldn't be the strong person anymore because I'm not, I'm weak and I feel like I'm drowning in misery and ... of course the only words that kept coming out were "I'm just so tired."
It's not fun. We're heading to the local mental health clinic to see what kind of help I can get which is not going to break the bank when it comes to buying medications. With no insurance or benefits through my job and a life-long disease to try and manage, I don't know what kind of help I can get. I mean, I do earn money, but there's precious little in the way of actual luxury in my life right now to strip away and free up the cash.
Whatever. I just hope I don't lose my job today. It would serve me right, I suppose, but ... I can't contemplate anything at that point. Either way, it's becoming clear that I am in a sort of economic slavery. I just wish I could see a way out that didn't entail relying on medicine for the rest of my life which I have no way to pay for, or losing what little I've got right now. I'm going to see if I can switch to a 1099 form instead of W2. I know that I can, and what that will mean is that the money normally taken out of my paychecks for taxes will come to me instead, but it means that I will have no ability to claim unemployment should I fail and it also means that if I don't pay my quarterly taxes myself I'm fucked beyond belief. But the ship of my life -is- sinking fast right now and I just need to buy some time against the hope against all hopes that something will give and I'll get the break I need in order to keep going. Otherwise I've got to start looking around for a place to house the cats while I return home to live with my folks again because I can't make this lifestyle work on my own.
Either way it's equivalent to a kind of suicide.
Please let the economy shift in my favor and the commissions start to rack up. Or let me find a job which will allow me the stability and salary and benefits I require to make this life _WORK_.
It's not fun. We're heading to the local mental health clinic to see what kind of help I can get which is not going to break the bank when it comes to buying medications. With no insurance or benefits through my job and a life-long disease to try and manage, I don't know what kind of help I can get. I mean, I do earn money, but there's precious little in the way of actual luxury in my life right now to strip away and free up the cash.
Whatever. I just hope I don't lose my job today. It would serve me right, I suppose, but ... I can't contemplate anything at that point. Either way, it's becoming clear that I am in a sort of economic slavery. I just wish I could see a way out that didn't entail relying on medicine for the rest of my life which I have no way to pay for, or losing what little I've got right now. I'm going to see if I can switch to a 1099 form instead of W2. I know that I can, and what that will mean is that the money normally taken out of my paychecks for taxes will come to me instead, but it means that I will have no ability to claim unemployment should I fail and it also means that if I don't pay my quarterly taxes myself I'm fucked beyond belief. But the ship of my life -is- sinking fast right now and I just need to buy some time against the hope against all hopes that something will give and I'll get the break I need in order to keep going. Otherwise I've got to start looking around for a place to house the cats while I return home to live with my folks again because I can't make this lifestyle work on my own.
Either way it's equivalent to a kind of suicide.
Please let the economy shift in my favor and the commissions start to rack up. Or let me find a job which will allow me the stability and salary and benefits I require to make this life _WORK_.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Wrestling with the demons
Well, the shittiness of the weekend hasn't ended. I've been wrestling over and over with demons and not doing so well with it just yet. All of the other readings said that I'm where I need to be, just put up with it and let it pass.
"It'll all be over soon," said the priest, quoting God's response to the suffering of this lifetime. Too bad eternal anything is just as much of hell as brimstone and damnation.
I did have a wonderful dream of being special in a weird way and having no one left to share it with. What a strong message, eh?
Oh, and I read up on Time Magazine's articles about mapping consciousness and the human brain. Apparently scientists think they're getting closer to the point at which they can conclusively prove that the brain is the source of consciousness instead of merely its seat within the human body. How odd that quantum mechanics is rapidly approaching the point of convergence with the spiritual theories of planes of existence, energy, magic, and acausality while the neuroscientists think they've got a lead on eliminating the concept of soul.
That will never happen, mainly because science cannot -ever- conclusively establish causality, merely disprove something. And besides, the arguments which were put forth on why the soul needs to be removed as a concept were pretty pathetic and weak, philosophically speaking. "Because the last folks to die in celebrated means in order to attain a reward hereafter were the 9/11 Terrorists." Fuck off, Time writers. That's got to be the single weakest argument I've EVER heard. Just because there's a spiritual system which doesn't play well with modern sensibilities doesn't mean that the spiritual truths are to be so conveniently discarded. I don't care whether anyone actually believes like me or not, yet I'm quite the spiritual being.
So sad. Science is a tool for understanding, a system for learning, but it is not and never will be a voice of authority prescribing reality. Every single scientific achievement and advancement and all of its wonders must be conditionally accepted with the phrase "...as well as we can determine given the state of technology and our comprehension right now." Nothing so fluid as the establishment of fact by consensus can ever truly understand anything at its essential levels. And a fundamental principle of the universe is that those who understand a thing simply cannot describe that understanding, because mystery veils itself.
Well, I'm not trashing science. I believe it has its place, and I heartily approve of all of its advances, but when it starts trying to reach for the place of authority in declaring the nature of hidden things... well, let's just say that no one ever expects a scientist to be able to give comfort in the face of the overwhelming human condition. They can alleviate many conditions, but comfort is a spiritual matter. Even doctors learn that when the medicines and technologies fail, they must return to something described as 'bedside manner'.
"And all thy learning and seeking shall avail thee not, unless thou knowest the Mystery: that if that which thou seekest thou findest not within thee, thou shalt never find it without thee."
Kinda applies to my own situation as well. I don't rail too much at externals anymore when the angels and demons do battle in my head. If I can't find the peace and comfort and love and support within me, then it's no wonder that I get ridicule instead of support from those around me. Yet I'm human in that I expect some kind of support, need that support, and get so hurt when it doesn't appear.
I guess I haven't yet learned how to communicate my needs in an appropriate manner. And I also guess that I'm goddamned tired of being the one to initiate patience and understanding. Last night was remarkable for me in that I refused to apologize just to make the peace. It was a strained, strained night, but I'm so very tired of being let down.
"It'll all be over soon," said the priest, quoting God's response to the suffering of this lifetime. Too bad eternal anything is just as much of hell as brimstone and damnation.
I did have a wonderful dream of being special in a weird way and having no one left to share it with. What a strong message, eh?
Oh, and I read up on Time Magazine's articles about mapping consciousness and the human brain. Apparently scientists think they're getting closer to the point at which they can conclusively prove that the brain is the source of consciousness instead of merely its seat within the human body. How odd that quantum mechanics is rapidly approaching the point of convergence with the spiritual theories of planes of existence, energy, magic, and acausality while the neuroscientists think they've got a lead on eliminating the concept of soul.
That will never happen, mainly because science cannot -ever- conclusively establish causality, merely disprove something. And besides, the arguments which were put forth on why the soul needs to be removed as a concept were pretty pathetic and weak, philosophically speaking. "Because the last folks to die in celebrated means in order to attain a reward hereafter were the 9/11 Terrorists." Fuck off, Time writers. That's got to be the single weakest argument I've EVER heard. Just because there's a spiritual system which doesn't play well with modern sensibilities doesn't mean that the spiritual truths are to be so conveniently discarded. I don't care whether anyone actually believes like me or not, yet I'm quite the spiritual being.
So sad. Science is a tool for understanding, a system for learning, but it is not and never will be a voice of authority prescribing reality. Every single scientific achievement and advancement and all of its wonders must be conditionally accepted with the phrase "...as well as we can determine given the state of technology and our comprehension right now." Nothing so fluid as the establishment of fact by consensus can ever truly understand anything at its essential levels. And a fundamental principle of the universe is that those who understand a thing simply cannot describe that understanding, because mystery veils itself.
Well, I'm not trashing science. I believe it has its place, and I heartily approve of all of its advances, but when it starts trying to reach for the place of authority in declaring the nature of hidden things... well, let's just say that no one ever expects a scientist to be able to give comfort in the face of the overwhelming human condition. They can alleviate many conditions, but comfort is a spiritual matter. Even doctors learn that when the medicines and technologies fail, they must return to something described as 'bedside manner'.
"And all thy learning and seeking shall avail thee not, unless thou knowest the Mystery: that if that which thou seekest thou findest not within thee, thou shalt never find it without thee."
Kinda applies to my own situation as well. I don't rail too much at externals anymore when the angels and demons do battle in my head. If I can't find the peace and comfort and love and support within me, then it's no wonder that I get ridicule instead of support from those around me. Yet I'm human in that I expect some kind of support, need that support, and get so hurt when it doesn't appear.
I guess I haven't yet learned how to communicate my needs in an appropriate manner. And I also guess that I'm goddamned tired of being the one to initiate patience and understanding. Last night was remarkable for me in that I refused to apologize just to make the peace. It was a strained, strained night, but I'm so very tired of being let down.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)