Transparent Anonymity

It's been a while and life has been incredibly busy for me. From one job opportunity to another, with Grad school going on besides.

Really, what I am most of all still is tired. I'm working to get an education and trying to position myself within the world so that I can get a decent job, pick up some valuable skills, and maybe finally be able to work a little less and play more. And I'm exhausted.

I know that my skills are increasing. I know that my life is improving. But I feel so very tired. It's like the rewards never seem to materialize the way that they're advertised. I feel definitely like I'm doing good things and making positive changes, but there's such a tremendous amount of resistance and so much effort that's involved just trying to get to the point where you can actually focus on the work you want to focus on... it just seldom seems worth it.

I want to stay positive. I want to focus on the good things. But it's not always easy, and I'm being put in positions where I'm asked to fight for different things that to me are not 'fight-worthy' causes. I don't have the same feelings for things that seem to be expected. I don't get the same high from earning money or spending money that the rest of the world seems to get. That doesn't make it any less important, but I have to put rational arguments in place for me to even perceive the paycheck as being a reward, sometimes.

I'm so thrilled to be back at school and playing with theory again, theory about something, anything... that I don't know whether or not I'll ever be that happy actually working in a field where the theory is what excites me.

Maybe I just need to push on all the way through my PhD in something and try to teach. But there's no money and horrible competition there. But then... what motivates me? And how do I translate it into real world results and rewards for myself?

I remain convinced that there has to be a better way. I just can't seem to figure out what that way is, yet. But I'm not sold on the idea that life has to be this kind of let-down and distraction from individual passion. I'm not convinced that we have to -be- or -become- a certain way to get ahead, or even just to earn a living. I have 36 years of experience telling me that such a way doesn't exist and the world is just a piece of crap you have to deal with on its terms, but I remain idealistic. Just tired.