Apropos, I suppose

I came in to work to find a fire drill waiting for me. I was here early, made some furious calls, and then ended up finding out when I spoke with the client that no, no need for the fire drill after all. An hour's panic and activating the phone tree, so to speak, for a false alarm.

Grrrrreeeeeaaaaaaat.

In my professional life I rely upon my reputation and good name in the industry. It's how I earn respect and trust. And it's not something I'm used to having to rely on, and I hate it when shit like this happens.

So, I continue to cast about me looking for one thing or another which will make it easier, somehow, or some kind of a reassurance that I'm on the right path. I need that. I can endure much when I know there's some kind of payoff at the end of it all, but it's so very hard for me to see the goal at all sometimes, especially coming off of a weekend like the hell I just lived through. So I'm still a little raw.

I went to one of my favorite websites online; a place I've been going to for years and years and years. Facade.com. Free Tarot readings, Bibliomancy, Stichomancy, Runes, I Ching, Biorhythms, etc. I asked the question, "Is this as good as it gets? Will life ever get any better or is this the most that I can ever hope for?" Nice and light, right? ;)

Well, the reading isn't done by live readers, so the most they can do is randomly select the cards based on the spread and give you the "book" interpretation. Sometimes it fits, and sometimes it doesn't... that's the reason you need a human reader for these sorts of things. But the random number algorhythms are sufficient for bypassing the human censor side of the brain, so the metaphysics are still relevant, and being a reader myself it allows me to do a reading for myself without the attendant baggage of skewing things. I just have to be sure to not 'read' the cards myself, usually, and to take the words as written.

Well, today there showed up something rather apropos.

The middle card represents a deciding element of the present. The Hierophant: Faith in tradition and the old school. A justified and ancient source of power. Being supportive, sympathetic and loyal. Receiving instructions, learning, guidance or inspiration. The ability to hear a higher or inner voice. May also indicate a religious ritual, such as a marriage or an initiation.

Mwahahaaa! Well, the Hierophant is indeed quite the card of the present. Unfortunately, this is one of those transition times where I'm so very anxious and scared that I'm doing something wrong, or that I've chosen the wrong path, or that it will all come to nothing. I really do require emotional support to make it all better, and I do need reassurances. I just wish I could figure out how to get it from something other than random readings and a deck of virtual cards.

The interesting thing is that the card for the future was quite actually the card I typically choose as my own Significator... the Knight of Cups. Yeah, I'm a Leo so if you use astrological attributions I should technically be the Knight of Wands (or sometimes King) but Knight of Cups pretty well sums up the ideal me struggling to shine through.

I've got a solution, but it's not a step I want to take. Nor one I'll speak about here. Still, it's a good temporary means, and if I'm going to do it, I might as well go whole hog. In for a penny, in for a pound.