Big Trouble from Desperation

Yesterday I had a minor breakdown. I left work 2 hours early and dropped an email to my boss saying that we had to talk, the job wasn't working out the way I needed it to, should I go back to freelancing, yaddi yaddi yadda. I went home and just broke down and lost it, told my husband I thought I'd be better off if I could just lay down and die right now, said that I couldn't be the strong person anymore because I'm not, I'm weak and I feel like I'm drowning in misery and ... of course the only words that kept coming out were "I'm just so tired."

It's not fun. We're heading to the local mental health clinic to see what kind of help I can get which is not going to break the bank when it comes to buying medications. With no insurance or benefits through my job and a life-long disease to try and manage, I don't know what kind of help I can get. I mean, I do earn money, but there's precious little in the way of actual luxury in my life right now to strip away and free up the cash.

Whatever. I just hope I don't lose my job today. It would serve me right, I suppose, but ... I can't contemplate anything at that point. Either way, it's becoming clear that I am in a sort of economic slavery. I just wish I could see a way out that didn't entail relying on medicine for the rest of my life which I have no way to pay for, or losing what little I've got right now. I'm going to see if I can switch to a 1099 form instead of W2. I know that I can, and what that will mean is that the money normally taken out of my paychecks for taxes will come to me instead, but it means that I will have no ability to claim unemployment should I fail and it also means that if I don't pay my quarterly taxes myself I'm fucked beyond belief. But the ship of my life -is- sinking fast right now and I just need to buy some time against the hope against all hopes that something will give and I'll get the break I need in order to keep going. Otherwise I've got to start looking around for a place to house the cats while I return home to live with my folks again because I can't make this lifestyle work on my own.

Either way it's equivalent to a kind of suicide.

Please let the economy shift in my favor and the commissions start to rack up. Or let me find a job which will allow me the stability and salary and benefits I require to make this life _WORK_.