Wrestling with the demons

Well, the shittiness of the weekend hasn't ended. I've been wrestling over and over with demons and not doing so well with it just yet. All of the other readings said that I'm where I need to be, just put up with it and let it pass.

"It'll all be over soon," said the priest, quoting God's response to the suffering of this lifetime. Too bad eternal anything is just as much of hell as brimstone and damnation.

I did have a wonderful dream of being special in a weird way and having no one left to share it with. What a strong message, eh?

Oh, and I read up on Time Magazine's articles about mapping consciousness and the human brain. Apparently scientists think they're getting closer to the point at which they can conclusively prove that the brain is the source of consciousness instead of merely its seat within the human body. How odd that quantum mechanics is rapidly approaching the point of convergence with the spiritual theories of planes of existence, energy, magic, and acausality while the neuroscientists think they've got a lead on eliminating the concept of soul.

That will never happen, mainly because science cannot -ever- conclusively establish causality, merely disprove something. And besides, the arguments which were put forth on why the soul needs to be removed as a concept were pretty pathetic and weak, philosophically speaking. "Because the last folks to die in celebrated means in order to attain a reward hereafter were the 9/11 Terrorists." Fuck off, Time writers. That's got to be the single weakest argument I've EVER heard. Just because there's a spiritual system which doesn't play well with modern sensibilities doesn't mean that the spiritual truths are to be so conveniently discarded. I don't care whether anyone actually believes like me or not, yet I'm quite the spiritual being.

So sad. Science is a tool for understanding, a system for learning, but it is not and never will be a voice of authority prescribing reality. Every single scientific achievement and advancement and all of its wonders must be conditionally accepted with the phrase "...as well as we can determine given the state of technology and our comprehension right now." Nothing so fluid as the establishment of fact by consensus can ever truly understand anything at its essential levels. And a fundamental principle of the universe is that those who understand a thing simply cannot describe that understanding, because mystery veils itself.

Well, I'm not trashing science. I believe it has its place, and I heartily approve of all of its advances, but when it starts trying to reach for the place of authority in declaring the nature of hidden things... well, let's just say that no one ever expects a scientist to be able to give comfort in the face of the overwhelming human condition. They can alleviate many conditions, but comfort is a spiritual matter. Even doctors learn that when the medicines and technologies fail, they must return to something described as 'bedside manner'.

"And all thy learning and seeking shall avail thee not, unless thou knowest the Mystery: that if that which thou seekest thou findest not within thee, thou shalt never find it without thee."

Kinda applies to my own situation as well. I don't rail too much at externals anymore when the angels and demons do battle in my head. If I can't find the peace and comfort and love and support within me, then it's no wonder that I get ridicule instead of support from those around me. Yet I'm human in that I expect some kind of support, need that support, and get so hurt when it doesn't appear.

I guess I haven't yet learned how to communicate my needs in an appropriate manner. And I also guess that I'm goddamned tired of being the one to initiate patience and understanding. Last night was remarkable for me in that I refused to apologize just to make the peace. It was a strained, strained night, but I'm so very tired of being let down.